Disclaimer: I think the only people who will be offended by this are the drama queens. For the rest of you, because of my many experiences in web communities, I am able to come up with this guide for all ye who want to play drama queen. It is important to note that I am not saying that people who do the stuff in this article are definetly drama queens but if you want to play drama queen, this is probably the way to do it.
Point zero: make sure to choose a nick that gives people an idea or hint that you have a most terrible life. Not too obvious, because you don't want to give away the game immediately. It must be subtle, unintentional but it must be noticeably sad-like.
Names that work:
NOT: Lifesucksforme. That's just too much.
The follow guide assumes that you will be taking part actively in ongoing discussions.
1) Cry abuse when critisized for the slightest. (That's bound to happen sooner or later when you hold onto opinions staunchly.) Do it until someone has pity on you and defends you.
2) No one takes pity on you? Accuse the entire community of being incompassionate.
3) And just when everyone is about to ignore you, make a big I'M SO SORRY post and apologise like you mean it.
4) After someone gives you second chance, immediately, fall off the edge by posting something to gain the most amount of attention and offends the most people.
5) If you can win the argument, be gracious and go off to plan your next big bait...I mean article. But if you can't win, then break off the thread by typing incoherently in all caps. Then lock all your threads for an ultimate in-your-face effect.
6) Repeat step 3 with a different title expressing the greatest of regret, and this time include a sob story. You have to make sure those people who critisized you feel sorry. If you can't even get one of them to feel sorry for you and/or apologise for being so harsh with you, you have failed. Do it till you get it right, spam if you have to. Go to all the post of the people you offended and apologise even if it's totally irrelevant to the topic at hand.
7) Get back in there and behave yourself -- but make sure you are being noticed. Rinse and repeat.
Here are some more additional tips.
- If someone has a problem, make sure to post something similar and make it even more serious. Someone got dumped? You got dumped TWICE and you were cheated on too! Hijack the thread if you have to, your problem must take presidence!
- Make multiple posts. Put them in the wrong category, nothing stands out more than something that is in the wrong place. It's the attention you get that counts.
- Make blind accusations at others without facts.
- Accuse your enemies of trying to hack into your computer. Where's the proof? Show them the spam in your bulk folder.
- Make your problems other people's responsibility. If you slip deeper, it's their fault. Make sure they know that. Here's an example: "I tried to follow your advice, but it didn't work and now it's worse!"
- If people don't respond immediately, accuse them of ignoring you delibrately and for being insincere about being concern.
- Take everything personally. Make every post that other people make out to be about you, even if it's obviously about someone else. Then make a post about them. After that, follow up with step 2 and 3 if you want to totally confuse everyone.
Contrary to popular belief, the obvious 'suicide threat' which is considered the ultimate in drama queendom is not the way to go. Why? Because it only works once. My methods are better, you can actually come back and swindle the community several times before they get it.