A young jackaroo from outback Queensland goes off to university, but halfway through the semester he has squandered all of his money.
He calls home.

'Dad,' he says, 'you won't believe what modern education is developing...they actually have a program here in Brisbane that will teach our dog Ol' Blue how to talk.'

An old geezer became very bored in retirement and decided to open a

medical clinic. He put a sign up outside that said: "Dr. Geezer's
clinic. Get your treatment for $500, if not cured, I'll pay you $1,000."

*Seller conducting a market survey in a bookshop, asked me – “Which book has helped

you most in your life?”*

*I replied – “My husbands cheque book!!”*

Well the other day I was trying to impress a worldly lady with various tidbits of personal information.... only slightly exaggerated. 

One thing I though would gain her interest was: "Oh yeah, I got my cock in the Guinness Book Of World Records.!!!!"

"Oh Yeah," she retorts: "....and then the librarian told you to remove it before she called the police."

During a medical examination the doctor asked Mark Stevens about his physical activity level.
The man described a typical day,

"Well, yesterday afternoon I took a five hour walk of about 10 kms through some pretty rough terrain. I waded along the edge of a lake and I pushed my way through brambles.I got sand in my shoes and my eyes. I avoided standing on a snake. I climbed several rocky hills. I took a few 'leaks' behind some big trees. The mental stress of it all left me shattered. At the end of it all I drank eight beers."

If you ever testify in court, you might wish you could have been as sharp as this policeman. (True Story).

He was being Cross-Examined by a Defense Attorney during a Felony Trial.

The lawyer was trying to undermine the policeman's credibility....

Q: "Officer -- did you see my client fleeing the scene?"

A: "No sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender, running several blocks away."

Q: "Officer -- who provided this description?"

A: "The officer who responded to the scene."

Q: "A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?"

A: "Yes, sir. With my life."

Q: "With your life? Let me ask you this then officer. Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?"

A: "Yes sir, we do!"

Q: "And do you have a locker in the room?"

A: "Yes sir, I do."

Q: "And do you have a lock on your locker?"

A: "Yes sir."

Q: "Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with these same officers?"

A: "You see, sir, we share the building with the Court Complex, and sometimes Lawyers have been known to walk through that Room."

The Courtroom erupted in laughter, and a prompt recess was called.

The Officer on the stand has been nominated for this year's "Best Comeback" line - and we think he'll win

The Indian With One Testicle

There once was an Indian who had only one testicle
and whose given name was 'Onestone'.

While stitching a cut on the hand of a 75 year old farmer, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man. Eventually the topic got around to Donald Trump and his role as the Republican Nominee for President. The old farmer said, " Well, as I see it, Donald Trump is like a 'Post Tortoise'.'' Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him what a 'post tortoise' was. The old farmer said, "When you're driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a tortoise balanced on top, that's a post tortoise." The old farmer saw the puzzled look on the doctor's face so he continued to explain. "You know he didn't get up there by himself, he doesn't belong up there, he doesn't know what to do while he's up there, he's elevated beyond his ability to function, and you just wonder what kind of dumb ass put him up there to begin with."

LMAO! 

What does an air conditioner have in common with a computer? They both lose efficiency as soon as you open windows.

One day a man was walking in the woods when he got lost. For two days he roamed around trying to find a way out. He had not eaten anything during this period and was famished. Over on a rock ledge he spotted a bald eagle. He killed it, and started to eat it. Surprisingly, a couple of park rangers happen to find him at that moment, and arrested him for killing an endangered species. In court, he pleads innocent to the charges against him, claiming that if he didn't eat the bald eagle he would have died from starvation. The judge ruled in his favor. In the judge's closing statement he asked the man, "I would like you to tell me something before I let you go. I have never eaten a bald eagle, nor ever plan on it, but what did it taste like?" The man answered, "Well, it tasted like a cross between a whooping crane and a spotted owl!"

A church's bell ringer passed away. The church posted the job opening in the local newspaper's classified ads and a man came in with no arms wanting the job. The clergy weren't sure he could do it, but he convinced them to let him try it. They climbed the bell tower and the guy ran toward the bell and hit it with his head, producing a beautiful melody. They gave him the job on the spot. The next day he went to ring the bell, tripped, bounced off the bell and fell to the sidewalk below. Two priests were walking past. One asked, "Do you know this guy?" The other responded, "No, but his face rings a bell." The next day, the dead man's twin brother came in for the again vacant bell ringer position. He also had no arms. The clergy led him up to the bell tower, where he ran at the bell, tripped and fell to the sidewalk below. The same two priests walked up. The first asked, "Do you know him?" The second responded, "No, but he's a dead ringer for his brother."