A police officer was staking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible drunk drivers.

At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb and try his keys on five different cars before he found his. Then he sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes.

Everyone left the bar and drove off. Finally, he started his engine and began to pull away.

The police officer was waiting for him. He stopped the driver, read him his rights and administered a Breathalyzer test. The results showed a reading of 0.0. The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be.

The driver replied, "Tonight, I'm the designated decoy."

Blonde in Disguise

An 86 year old woman is clocked doing 120mph in an 80mph zone by a rookie cop who's still inexperienced and a little wet behind the ears.  He pulls her over and asks for her license and registration.

"Sorry officer" she replied: "I don't have a license and the car isn't registered."

"Please check the glovebox" the officer insists: "your registration papers may be in there."

"Okay officer, as you say,"

The little old lady opens the glovebox and the officer spot a hand gun, to which he asks: "Madam, why do you have a concealed weapon in your glovebox and is it registered?"

"Sorry, officer, the gun is not registered... and that's why I shot my cheating husband with it."

"You shot your husband?" the shocked rookie asks.

"Yes, I shot him!  And that's why I was speeding... so I could get his body out of the trunk and bury him someplace isolated."

"Your husband's body is in the trunk?" the now nervous and rookie asks.

Yup, the son of a bitch is in the trunk."

With that the rookie gets even more flustered and calls in to HQ, explains the situation and requests assistance from a more experienced officer. About 20 mins later a senior sergeant appears on the scene and consults with the rookie before questioning the old lady.

"I understand that you do not have a license or registration, is that true?"

"Why, officer, where would you get that idea?  Of course I have a license and registration, here."

The old lady opens the glovebox and shows the sergeant her license and registration papers.  While the glovebox is open, however, the sergeant notices the gun and asks if she has a permit.

"Why would I need a permit for a toy gun, officer?" the old lady responds: "My grandson forgot and left it in my car last time I drove him to play school."

"So you don't have the body of your husband in your trunk?" asks the sergeant:

"Of course not?" replies the indignant old lady: "Where would you get such an idea?"

"The officer who pulled you over says you do"

"I suppose, then, next thing he'll tell you is that I was speeding?"

My husband and i were dressed and ready to go out for a lovely evening of dinner and theatre. Having been burgled in the past, we turned on a 'night light' and the answering machine, then put the cat in the backyard. When our cab arrived, we walked out our front door and our rather tubby cat scooted between our legs inside, then ran up the stairs. Because our cat likes to chase our budgie we really didn't want to leave them unchaperoned so my husband ran inside to retrieve her and put her in the back yard again.

This elderly chap planted potatoes on his 4 acre property every year. His son ploughed the ground.
But this year the son was in prison.
Dad sent the son a letter, saying he could not proceed on his own, and did the son have any ideas.
The son sent back a letter saying, “Hey dad, don’t dig up the ground. That’s where I buried the bodies”.
The next morning, 200 police arrived at the property, carrying picks and shovels, and dug up every square centimetre.
They found nothing, and left.
The son sent dad another letter, saying, “Dad, you can go ahead with the planting now. That’s all I can do to help”.

Truth to tell.

Shortly it will become compulsory for senior citizens to carry not only their ID, but also their insurance documents, their prescription list, a compact version of their medical file, the statement declaring if they want to be resuscitated after a heart attack, stroke, etc. etc.  Consequently, a lot of paperwork will have to be carried when a senior citizen goes out the front door OR when they travel!
Specifically for this purpose, a special “Senior USB Stick” has been developed.
Take a look below….

Wow! Two Bites of information. Blue Tooth technology to fit your lifestyle. Expanded Memory can be arranged.

" /> Something to chew on.

WELL IT IS SUNDAY

God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael, the archangel, found him, resting on the seventh day.

He inquired, --- "Where have you been?"

While playing in the backyard, Little Johnny kills a honeybee. His father sees him killing the honeybee and angrily says, "No honey for you for one month!"

Later that afternoon, Johnny's dad catches him tearing the wings off a butterfly. "That's it! No butter for you for one month!" says his dad.

Later that evening as Johnny's mother cooks dinner, a cockroach run across the kitchen floor. She jumps and stomps on it, and then looks up to find Little Johnny and her husband watching her.

Little Johnny looks at his father and says, "Are you going to tell her, Dad, or do you want me to?"