I wasn't deminishing Lou's feelings at all. I was thinking of her feelings, it's not easy to forgive, but forgiveness, as I said, is not for the offender, it's for her sake. I'm focusing on Lou publicly, not privately! She needs to know that people care about her and not argue over faith and belief! What a horrible thing to focus on K10w3!

Loukeeya, I don't know what you have gone through, but just know this. I care about you! I'm not trying to preach to you or anything like that, but knowing someone is praying for you, whether you believe or not, is a good thing. So please, just know you're not alone! We all love you!

well...after 20 years..... it would be a massive shock..... calmer and stronger sounds like a good frame of mind to be in..... keep it up....   he'll soon be doing mail order soap-on-a-rope.... 

a problem shared is a problem halved.....

good idea..... or.....you could try laughing yoga....... 

@Syd! That really creeped me out Syd! And lou thinks she has problems!

No forgiveness for SydneySiders! None!

She has "Trident" and I don't!

your right wizard, 20 yrs ago the police dealing with me said there had been 20 other rapes, one poor lady was murdered. i will persue it for them and for me.  thankyou all for giving me hope, i know this isnt easy to hear about or read about but i do thankyou all for the comfort you have given me

well today i saw victim support, they were so nice. they will be with me from start to finish. they did warn me that it could take a few months to come to trial coz there are other victims.  it doesnt bear thinking about but i know i will find the strength when i most need it

i have been shown so much kindness, i am not used to kindness and its quite strange but it has made a huge difference. i am not gonna comment anymore til its over but i thankyou all from the bottom of my heart   

well i have to be honest the last couple of days have been tough, have been so close to just ending it. i cant even  cycle now coz am so distracted i keep veering in the middle of the road. i spent several hours sitting in my bath with a razor blade and couldnt find the courage to do it. god knows am trying to be strong but i just cant. the thought of the trial is bad enough, having to be moved with a new identity away from my friends is not helping. its ironic that in the 21st century there is no specific support for ppl like me who have been thru what i have. oh there is rape crisis but i dont count because i am not female. there is survivors  uk for men who have been raped - so its down to me and my close friends to try and make sense of it all. victim support are very kind and supportive so are the police but this is just showing me how society really feels about ppl like me. i have had a lot of kindness from ppl over the past few days, i find that hard to cope with coz am not used to kindness. no wonder i have always been so antaganostic to authority-i know that even in court i am gonna be judged for being me, i am gonna do my best to get thru it but i dont think i am gonna get the peace after that i hope for

I'm sure you will go through a roller coaster of ups and downs until this is over...and after....but the main thing to focus on.... is taking this person... who ignored your rights... by assaulting you..... and removing his rights.... to have the freedom of our society.... to give you the closure to start to heal.... harming yourself, just means he is still in control... gotta leave those notions behind.... talk to your counsellor about it... they are the best people to help you through....

A start to not being judged for 'being you'... is to walk into that courtroom with your head held high.... expecting.... to be judged as any other human being..... don't look as if you expect to be treated any differently..

Of course.... it's easy for us to coach from the sidelines..... and it's you who has to go through this...... so just take on board that we support you.... even though it's from afar...... and let your friends help in any way they can...

Not sure why you have to go through being given a new identity and moved away from your friends.... I would hope that was only temporary til the trial....not permanent... .... perhaps he is out on bail til the trial...

anyway....take care of yourself.... try to keep positive.... and keep away from the bike for the time being....   

Lou, you need to seek some help, immediately.  Please.

guys i am really struggling, i know its the past but its been with me every day of the past 20 yrs. i keep reliving it over and over and yes the diazepam has helped, i dont have the courage to take my own life, am far too weak but it does worry me that i am even thinking of it. its prob coz i really need some peace. my logical brain tells me its ok he is not gonna hurt me and my emotional brain tells me he is gonna hurt and humiliate me. i dont know if he is in prison, on bail or anything-i dont live far from where this attack happened and he was local. i am afraid to go out coz i used to bump into him a few months after the attack. one positive thing i have traced my bf of the time after 20 yrs, we spoke on the phone and he is happy to give evidence. it ruined his life too, he hasnt been able to get over it.

i am trying to live in the moment but my mind just wanders and i am so restless. i cant sleep in my bed now, i feel safe on the sofa with my cats. i hate being in such a mess but feel helpless. i am trying to deal with each day as it comes. i know i do find kindness very difficult to habdle as i am a stranger to it but it is comforting to know that ppl care, strange isnt it that i am such a compassionate person myself - thats why my patients loved me i suppose.

anyway i am sending you all love and thanks for your words which are a comfort to me

I went through a similar thing after I was physically assaulted and I know how hard it can be to forget, to have the confidence to be your former self, but it is possible, and I would know because I succeeded.  You can also do it, believe me.  Firstly, get through this court case to put this person behind bars for a very long time... this will assist in your feeling safe and confident afterwards.

The forgiveness you need to find in your heart is not necessarily to make him feel any better, but to release a lot of negative emotions that have been with you since that day... those feelings of hurt, anger, insecurity and depression, etc.  Believe me, when you find that forgiveness, these feelings will dissipate and go away.  I know this might sound crazy, but believe me, it works.  The bloke who assaulted me mightn't care one way or the other if I forgave him or not, but I sure as heck notice the big difference in my state of mind.

It's not that you are too weak  It took greater strength and courage to live with the pain for the last 20 years than to end it.  You have plenty of strength and courage and never doubt that you have more than enough to carry on.  You are going through a highly emotional and confusing period right now, and you're in two minds, so to speak.  There's the doubting side of you has the weaker thoughts and doesn't know how to cope, and there is a side of you which has the courage and it is saying the only satisfactory outcome is for you to forge ahead and keep going.  So, the reason you cannot take your own life is because your stronger side has the upper hand and will guide you through this.

It makes you feel good that your patients loved you, right?  OK, then, that's how you think of other peoples kindness.  The caring people around you are doing what you did for your patients, offering compassion, love, caring, support.... because you are as important to them as your patients were/are to you.  It's a give and take relationship, in a way.  Receive the care they're offering with the same spirit in which it is offered and they are rewarded with the knowledge it has had a positive outcome.... just like you were rewarded when your patient care returned positive results.  Its a win, win situation, right?

And here's some love and sunshine right back at you....  

thanx guys, starkers my heart goes out to u too i know how awful these ordeals are.

as for this man i have no idea if he is in custody or still loose. the police wont tell me anything other than to say they know where he is and he is settled. i know there are ppl suffering far worse than me at the min, i just cant seem to re focus and look beyond this.

my friends have been great but its difficult for them too, my ex bf from that time is still devastated and his life was f----d up too. i know the employment ppl are harrassing me to find a job, maybe they are right, but i worry that i might cause more harm as am so distracted.

uncertainty is very unsettling for me, i like to know where am going, what am doing and this not knowing is driving me crazy.

He's settled? Something doesn't sound right here. Based on what you said he did this guy should be in custody...not settled.