I laugh so hard I had tears. you will enjoy this one.
This is an article submitted to a 1999 Louisville Sentinel
contest to find out who had the wildest Christmas dinners.
It won first prize.
As a joke, my brother Jay used to hang a pair of panty hose over his fireplace before Christmas.
He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill them.
What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be
true because very Christmas morning, although Jay's kids'
stockings overflowed, his poor pantyhose hung sadly empty.
One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on
sunglasses and went in search of an inflatable love doll.
They don't sell those things at Wal-Mart.
I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown.
If you've never been in an X-rated store, don't go.
You'll only confuse yourself.
I was there an hour saying things like,
'What does this do?'
'You're kidding me!' 'Who would buy
that?'
Finally, I made it to the inflatable doll section.
I wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll that could
also substitute as a passenger in my truck so I could use the
car pool lane during rush hour.
Finding what I wanted was difficult. 'Love Dolls'
come in many different models.
The top of the line, according to the side of the
box, could do things I'd only seen in a book on animal husbandry.
I settled for 'Lovable Louise.'
She was at the bottom of the price scale.
To call Louise a 'doll' took a huge leap of imagination.
On Christmas Eve and with the help of an old bicycle pump,
Louise came to life.
My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in during
the wee morning hours.
Long after Santa had come and gone, I filled the
dangling pantyhose with Louise's pliant legs and bottom.
I also ate somecookies and drank what
remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray.
I went home,and giggled for a couple of hours.
The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had
been to his house and left a present that had made
him VERY happy, but had left the dog
confused.
She would bark, start to walk away, then come
back and bark some more.
We all agreed that Louise should remain in her pantyhose so
the rest of the family could admire her when they came over
for the traditional Christmas dinner.
My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the
door. 'What the hell is that?' she asked.
My brother quickly explained, 'It's a doll.'
'Who would play with something like that?' Granny snapped.
I kept my mouth shut.
'Where are her clothes?' Granny continued.
'Boy, that turkey sure smells nice, Gran,' Jay said,
to steer her into the dining room.
But Granny was relentless. 'Why doesn't she have
any teeth?'
Again, I could have answered, but why would I?
It was Christmas and no one wanted to ride in the back
of the ambulance saying, 'Hang on Granny, hang on!'
My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight,
sidled up to me and said, ' Hey,who's the naked gal by the
fireplace?'
I told him she was Jay's friend.
A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel,
talking to Louise.
Not just talking, but actually flirting. It was then that we
realized this might be Grandpa's last Christmas at home.
The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about
who had died, who was dying, and who should be killed,
when suddenly Louise made a noise like
my father in the bathroom in the morning.
Then she lurched from the mantel,
flew around the room twice, and fell in a heap in front of
the sofa. The cat screamed.
I passed cranberry sauce through my nose,
and Grandpa ran across the room, fell to his knees, and began
administering mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.
My brother fell back over his chair and wet his pants.
Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room, and
sat in the car.
It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember.
Later in my brother's garage, we conducted a thorough
examination to decide the cause of Louise's collapse.
We discovered that Louise had suffered from
a hot ember to the back of her right thigh.
Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called duct tape, we
restored her to perfect health.
I can't wait until next Christmas.
