DR. SEUSS EXPLAINS COMPUTERS

If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port,
and the bus is interrupted as a very last resort,
and the address of the memory makes your floppy disc abort,
then the socket packet pocket has an error to report.

If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash,
and the double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash,
and your data is corrupted 'cause the index does not flash,
then your situation's hopeless and your system's gonna crash!

If the label on the cable on the table at your house,
says the network is connected to the button on your mouse,
but your packets want to tunnel on another protocol,
that's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall,

and your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss,
so your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse,
then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang,
'cause as sure as I'm a poet, the suckers gonna hang.

When the copy of your floppy's getting sloppy on the disc,
and the micro code instructions cause unnecessary risk,
then you have to flash your memory, and you'll want to RAM your ROM...
Quickly turn off your computer and go and tell your Mom.

A  man suspected his wife was cheating on him, so when
he left town, he hired a famous Chinese detective to
investigate. A few days later he received this letter.

Most Honorable Sir,

You leave house,
He come to house.
He and she leave house,
I follow.
He and she go to hotel,
I climb tree to see.
He kiss she,
she kiss he.
He strip she,
she strip he.
I play with me,
I fall out of tree,
I not see.

No fee,

Chen Lee

thank you Shaunna!!!

  --- Bottle of Merlot

She stared at the wine coolly for a few seconds, not looking at the man, then decided to send a reply to him by a note. The waiter, who was lingering nearby for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to the

gentleman.  The note read: 'For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank and 7 inches in your pants'. 

After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in return..  He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to deliver it to the lady. It read: 'Just to let you know things aren't always

what they appear to be, I have a Ferrari Maranello, BMW Z8, Mercedes CL600, and a Porsche Turbo in my several garages;  I have beautiful homes in Aspen, Miami and a 10,000 acre ranch in Louisiana . There is over twenty million dollars in my bank account and portfolio. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you are, would I cut off three inches..  Just send the bottle back.

A man walks into a bar. The bartender says to the guy, "What can I get you?"

"Make it a whisky," says the man who promptly throws it down in one gulp.

"That will be three dollars," says the bartender.

"Screw you!" says the man. "You offered to get me something. I thought you were paying."

"Get out," says the bartender. "You're banned. I don't need your crap."

Anyway, two years later, the same man walks into same bar with the same bartender.

The bartender looks at him and says, "You're the asshole who tried to con a drink out of me, aren't you?"

"Excuse me, but I have no idea what you are talking about," says the customer. "I've never been to this bar before in my life!"

"Sorry. My mistake," says the bartender. "You must have a double."

"Hey thanks, dude!" says the customer. "Make it whisky."

Each year the Washington Post's  "Style Invitational" asks readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are some winners:

Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.

Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease.

Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

Glibido: All talk and no action.

Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.

too funny mrs. captain!!!! 

 Read slowly....

An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time. Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married.

Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work.  They discussed finances, living arrangements, and so on.

Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.               

“How do you feel about sex?” he asked, rather tentatively.

“I would like it infrequently” she replied.

The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, then leaned over towards her and whispered:
   
“Is that one word or two?”

His request approved, the Fox News photographer quickly used a cell phone to call the local airport to charter a flight. He was told a twin engine plane would be waiting for him at the airport.

Arriving at the airfield, he spotted a plane warming up outside a hanger. He jumped in with his bag, slammed the door shut, and shouted, 'Let's go'.

The pilot taxied out, swung the plane into the wind and took off. Once in the air, the photographer instructed the pilot, 'Fly over the valley and make low passes so I can take pictures of the fires on the hillsides.'

'Why?' asked the pilot.

'Because I'm a photographer for Fox Cable News,' he responded. 'And I need to get some close up shots.'

The pilot was strangely silent for a moment, finally he stammered,


'So, what you're telling me, is . .. you're NOT my flight instructor?

=============================================================================================

Sent by a friend:

Top This One For A Speeding Ticket

Two California Highway Patrol Officers were conducting speeding enforcement on I-15, just north of the Marine Corps Air Station at Miramar. One of the officers was using a hand held radar device to check speeding vehicles approaching the crest of a hill.  The officers were suddenly surprised when the radar gun began reading 300 miles per hour. The officer attempted to reset the radar gun, but it would not reset and then turned off.
 
Just then a deafening roar over the treetops revealed that the radar had in fact locked on to a USMC F/A-18 Hornet which was engaged in a low flying exercise near the location.
 
Back at the CHP Headquarters the Patrol Captain fired off a complaint to the USMC Base Commander. The reply came back in true USMC style:

Thank you for your letter.  We can now complete the file on this incident.

You may be interested to know that the tactical computer in the Hornet had detected the presence of, and subsequently locked on to your hostile radar equipment and automatically sent a jamming signal back to it, which is why it shut down. 

Furthermore, an Air-to-Ground missile aboard the fully armed aircraft had also automatically locked on to your equipment location.

Fortunately, the Marine Pilot flying the Hornet recognized the situation for what it was, quickly responded to the missile system alert status and was able to override the automated defense system before the missile was launched to destroy the hostile radar position.

The pilot also suggests you cover your mouths when cussing at them, since the video systems on these jets are very high tech.
Sergeant Johnson, the officer holding the radar gun, should get his dentist to check his left rear molar. It appears the filling is loose. Also, the snap is broken on his holster.

Thank you for your concern.
 
Semper Fidelis

Bob and Jim walk into a bar. Bob says, "Hey Donkeyboy, get me a drink." The bartender gets him a drink.

Bob says, "Donkeyboy, get me another drink." The bartender gets him another drink.

Finally, Jim asks the bartender, "Why does he call you Donkeyboy?"

"I don't know. Hehaw-hehaw-he always calls me that."

If this has been up b4 I appoligise, its just that a friend of mine sent it too me and i wanted to share it here

 
Never Argue with a Woman 

One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book.


Along comes a Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, 'Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?'
'Reading a book,' she replies, (thinking, 'Isn't that obvious?')
 


'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her.
 


'I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading'
 

 
'Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment.  I'll have to take you in and write you up.'
 


'For reading a book,' she replies,

'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her again,
'I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading'
 

'Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment.  I'll have to take you in and write you up.'
 


'If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault,' says the woman.
 

'But I haven't even touched you,' says the game warden.

'That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment.'
 


'Have a nice day ma'am,' and he left.


 

MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think.

A 60-year-old man went to the doctor for a check-up. The doctor told him, "You're in terrific shape. There's nothing wrong with you. Why, you might live forever. You have the body of a 35 year old. By the way, how old was your father when he died?"

The 60 year old responded, "Who said he was dead?"

The doctor was surprised and asked, "How old is he and is he very active?"

The 60 year old responded, "Well, he is 82 years old and he still goes skiing three times a season and surfing three times a week during the summer."

The doctor couldn't believe it. "Well, how old was your grandfather when he died?"
The 60 year old responded again, "Who said he was dead?"

The doctor was astonished. He said, "You mean to tell me you are 60 years old and both your father and your grandfather are alive? Is your grandfather very active?"

The 60 year old said, "He goes skiing at least once a season and surfing once a week during the summer. Not only that," said the patient, "my grandfather is 106 years old, and next week he is getting married again."

The doctor said, "At 106 years old, why on earth would your grandfather want to get married?"

His patient looked up at the doctor and said, "Who said he wanted to?"