hehehe !!!

Two ducks were flying South for Winter when an Airforce jet overtook them at around mach 5...

After about 40 mid-air somersaults and feathers flying everywhere, they managed to compose themselves and one duck says to the other: "DID YOU SEE THAT?"

"I SURE DID!!!!!" says the other duck.

"AND GEEZ, WASN"T HE MOVING!!!!"

"He sure was," says the other duck: "but so would you if you had two arseholes and both were on fire.

Street Mime... One day an out of work mime is visiting the zoo and attempts to earn some money as a street performer.

However, as soon as he starts to draw a crowd, the zookeeper grabs him and drags him into his office.

The zookeeper explains to the mime that the zoo's most popular attraction, a gorilla, has died suddenly. The keeper fears that attendance at the zoo will fall off. He offers the mime a job to dress up as the gorilla until they can get another one. The mime accepts.

The next morning, before the crowd arrives, the mime puts on the gorilla suit and enters the cage. He discovers that it's a great job. He can sleep all he wants, play and make fun of people and he draws bigger crowds than he ever did as a mime.

However, eventually the crowds tire of him and he gets bored just swinging on tires. He begins to notice that the people are paying more attention to the lion in the cage next to his.

Not wanting to lose the attention of his audience, he climbs to the top of his cage, crawls across a partition, and dangles from the top to the lion's cage. Of course, this makes the lion furious, but the crowd loves it.

At the end of the day the zookeeper comes and gives the mime a raise for being such a good attraction as a gorilla.

Well, this goes on for some time. The mime keeps taunting the lion, the crowds grow larger, and his salary keeps going up. Then one terrible day when he is dangling over the furious lion, he slips and falls. The mime is terrified. The lion gathers itself and prepares to pounce. The mime is so scared that he begins to run round and round the cage with the lion close behind.

Finally, the mime starts screaming and yelling, "Help, Help me!", but the lion is quick and pounces. The mime soon finds himself flat on his back looking up at the angry lion and the lion says, "Shut up you idiot! Do you want to get us both fired?"

A husband and wife were taking golf lessons at their local links and he had become quite good at it so was able to get a game with any of the members there.

However, his wife was struggling with the whole concept and was so poor nobody would play a round with her, much to her distress after paying thousands of dollars for months and months of lessons.

One afternoon she was at the 19th hole commisurating to a friend that she's spent so much money yet was still useless at golf and really needed help if she was to ever get a game.... that where on earth would she find such help when all the coaches had all but given up on her.

Her friend then told her that the course professional had a coaching vacancy available due to a cancellation and that she should approach him, which she did.  It was agreed that they would meet at the first hole at sunrise and he would coach her around the course to the 18th hole... on the proviso she did everything he instructed her to do.

The next morning at sunrise the pair met as arranged and the professional asked her to tee up and take a shot so he could examine her swing for faults and imperfections, etc.

As instructed, the woman teed up and took the shot, which left the ball still in place and a large divot sailing down the main fairway....

"Madam," he said: "your form is all wrong and you're never going to make a sweet connection with the ball with a grip and swing like that.  How long have you been taking lessons?"

She nervously answered with: "About 18 months or so, I guess." and then began to cry.

"Look, there's no need to cry, I am the professional and I'm sure we'll get this sorted out for you.  First off, your grip on the club is all wrong!  You are married, aren't you??"

"Why yes I am, but my husband is so much better at this than I am."

The professional told her not to worry about that and to concentrate on her own game: "OK, now I want you to tee up again, but this time I want you to hold the club like you would your husband's sex organ"

"Oh!!!", she said, and did as she was instructed. Her swing was perfect and the ball sailed 900 yards down the main fairway, landed on the green, rolled about 3 feet and plopped right into the hole.

"WOW!!!", he said: that was a magnificent shot!! I am astounded at the difference between your first attempt and the second, it's a 200 percent improvement."

With that, she felt a whole lot better about herself and produced her first ever smile on the golf course.

"Now", he said: I want you to do that again... only this time, I want you to take the club out of your mouth and put it in your hands."

Little Johnny ask his dad if he can have a TV in his room, and after a while of thinking about it, reluctantly grants his son's request, with the proviso that he turns it off at 10.30pm.

Next day, Little Johnny comes downstairs and asks his dad: "What's love juice??

Dad is absolutely horrified, but nonetheless explains to Little Johnny all about the birds and the bees.

Now Little Johnny is stunned to hear all this information, his mouth is agape in total amazement that his parents could have done such a thing... that that is where he came from.

"So Johhny," asks dad: "what were you watching on TV last night that would have prompted you to ask a question like that?"

"Oh," says Johnny: "just Wimbledon."

Woman gets naked in front of her husband and asks: "What turns you on the most, my pretty face, my voluptuous bust or my sexy butt???

He briefly looks her up and down and replies: "Your sense of humour."

That's just like when they ask "Does this dress make me look fat?"

The Fly...

There was a fly buzzing around a barn one day when she happened upon a pile of fresh cow manure. Due to the fact that it had been hours since she had had her last meal, she flew down and began to eat. She ate and ate. Finally, she decided she had eaten enough and tried to fly away. She had eaten too much though, and could not get off the ground. As she looked around wondering what to do, she spotted a pitchfork leaning up against the wall. She climbed to the top of the handle and jumped off, thinking that once she got airborne, she would be able to take flight. Unfortunately she was wrong and she dropped like a rock, and smashed when she hit the floor. Dead!

ARE YOU READY FOR THE MORAL?

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Never fly off the handle when you know you're full of s h i t.

Same thought went through my mind.  

 @BoXXi

This is a old one I still had around.

~Interesting Facts~
 
 If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days, you
 would have produced  enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
 (Hardly seems worth it)
 
 If you fart consistently for 6 years and 9 months,
 enough gas is produced to  create the energy of an    atomic bomb. (Now that's more like it)
 
 A pig's orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. (In my next
 life I want to be a pig)
 (How'd they figure this out, and why?)
 
 Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories
 an hour. (Still can't get over that pig thing) (Don't try this at home...maybe at work?)
 
 Humans and dolphins are the only species that have
 sex for pleasure.(Is that why Flipper was always smiling?) (And pigs get 30-minute orgasms? Doesn't
 seem fair)
 
 Right-handed people live, on average, nine years
 longer than left-handed people do. (If you're ambidextrous do you split the difference?)
 
 The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull
 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated. (From drinking little bottles of...?) (Did taxpayers pay for this research??)
 
 Polar bears are left handed. (Who knew....? Who
 cares? How'd they find out, ask them?)
 
 The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
 (What can be so tasty on the bottom of the pond?)
 
 The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's
 like a human jumping the length of a football field. (30 minutes...can you imagine? And why pigs?)
 
 A cockroach will live nine days without its head,
 before it starves to death. (Creepy)
 
 The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its
 head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's
 head off. (Honey, I'm home. What the....) (Well, at least pigs get a break there...)
 
 Some lions mate over 50 times a day. (In my next
 life I still want to be a lion-pig)
 
 Butterflies taste with their feet. (Oh, geez)
(That's almost as bad as catfish)
 
 An ostrich's eye is bigger than it's brain. (I know
 some people like that.)
 
 Starfish don't have brains. (I know some people like
 that too.)
 
 After reading all these, all I can say is. . .

               Lucky Pigs.

Um... with all the curried cabbage in my diet, I've been farting consitently for the last 35 years.  So, does that qualify me as a nulear arsenal.