If At First You Don't Succeed . . . Blame Someone Else And Seek Counseling.
I Do Whatever My Rice Krispies Tell Me To.
Where Are We Going And Why Am I In This Hand basket?
You're Just Jealous Because The Voices Are Talking To Me.
It's Been Lovely But I Have To Scream Now.
I Haven't Lost My Mind, It's Backed Up On Disk Somewhere.
If Walking Is So Good For You, Then Why Does My Mailman Look Like Jabba The Hut?
Necrophillia: That Uncontrollable Urge To Crack Open A Cold One.
How Many Roads Must A Man Travel Down Before He Admits He Is Lost?
Heart Attacks... God's Revenge For Eating His Animal Friends.
A day without sunshine is like, well, night.
When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.
Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world's population.
It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial cost and blamed it on the cost of living.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
He's not dead, he's electroencephalographically challenged.
Nothing is fool-proof to a sufficiently talented fool.
I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first.
You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.
You can't have everything, where would you put it?
It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.
Mind like a steel trap - rusty and illegal in most states.
Equality!! If men and women were created equal, a judge in capital crime cases would have to make sure that women were hung like men
What do you call the children of couch potatoes? Tator Tots
Definition of a Dance: A navel engagement without the loss of semen.
I don't understand how I got over the hill! -- without ever being on top
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.