Sorry it has been a while getting back here; however, life has thrown me a few curve balls of late and I've really not been myself... at times in ways I feel not just remorse for but very much ashamed.
Simply put, I've not been able to conduct myself or behave as I would have liked, and the consequences have been ugly to say the least. Whether it was the depression; anxiety issues; the bad news regarding my former wife's passing; the fact that both my son and daughter have ongoing drug problems... or all of the above, but I didn't cope at all well and became someone even I couldn't like, much less love or respect, thus leaving me feeling isolated and alone because nobody else could, either... which is the last thing a person with depression and manic thoughts needs.
To compound the issue, my mother didn't believe in clinical depression - well not in a medical context - and believed I was just being an asshole because I had abused prescription drugs, was drug affected psychotic as a result. This failure to understand what I was going through caused much animosity and I said some reprehensible things that would not come from the mouth of a loving and respectful son... hence the shame and remorse, which served to exacerbate the depression and anxiety rather than allow me to learn from it.
It wasn't until the passing of Robin Williams that my mother believed that depression is an illness like any other, that it can affect people from all walks of life and that there are consequenses to an illness that can be managed but not cured. It changed her thinking some, and while we may not be 100% on the same page as yet, I am now feeling some support and understanding, whereas I didn't before.
It's not all roses just yet, however. As stated, I was not the son she would have wanted, so she is still recovering and may take a while to get back to the loving, caring mother she was just a few short weeks ago. I understand and expect this.
Anyhow, I did seek treatment a few weeks ago, and I was prescribed Pristiq 50mg rather than 100mg I was previously taking. The doctor was reluctant to prescribe the larger dose because I'd had a lapse of some weeks and he suggested that I should be weaned on to it due to potential and unwanted side effects. Now the 50mg dosage was helpful for a while, but it soon felt like it wasn't enough and my depressive state worsened as events and circumstances became overwhelming. I needed the stronger dose and I needed something to help me wind down and sleep, but the doctor didn't feel it wise to up the dosage until I'd at least finished the 50mg script beforehand.
It was like being between a rock and a hard place, and there was no stopping the crazy thoughts or horrible things I was saying/doing. Like a freight train without brakes, I was heading for disaster, but thanks to a quick call to my doctor I averted that. He suggested I take 2 50mg Pristiq tabs each morning and that has helped considerably in calming things down. He attends the clinic on Saturday mornings and wants me to go in so he can reassess my medication and treatment program.
I'm told by mother and others not to self-diagnose, but I suspect that I may be bi-polar, given some of what has happened over the last couple of weeks, so the doctor wants to re-examine me and refer me to the respective specialists to get a proper diagnosis. So yes, people, I am seeking help and I will beat it.... well manage it better, that is.
So, now all that is said and done, thank you all for your concern, support and advice, I much appreciate the love and friendship you've all shown me.
Thanks, Paul, I hadn't thought of them - well more that I'd sort of forgotten about them - but yeah, thanks for the link and the timely reminder. I know of a few people who have benefitted from the support of BeyondBlue, and no doubt I can too. There's another organisation called Open Minds that Shaunna has put me on to, and being they have offices locally I can get some face to face interaction with counselors and others with similar problems, etc.
I've been missing your long windedness.... It must be rant time somewhere.. hehe
It that long-winded enough for ya?
As for the rant, well I'm sure I've got one up my sleeve someplace, so I'll see what I can do in the next few days or so, orright?