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Dealing With Clinical Depression Then Bad News On Top

sometimes life is so unfair

By on August 20, 2014 2:52:45 AM from WinCustomize Forums WinCustomize Forums

starkers

Join Date 05/2004
+941

Yeah, I'm still around, though there are days the alternative seems so inviting when bad things mount up and almost appear as a blessing.

Sadly, my younger brother saw that as his escape from the pain he endured, and put bluntly, after the pain my family suffered as a result, I'd be lower than a snake's belly to put then through that a second time.  So I hold on in the hope that things will get better....but then they don't.

A couple of days ago I was told that my first wife had died of a massive heart attack....aged just 55.  Now we may have had our problems in the past, and yes, I sometimes posted a tongue-in-cheek remark here and there, but at the end of the day she is still the mother of my children and I cannot help but feel something deeply emotional over her sudden and most unexpected passing.... and not just for my kids sakes, either. There was a time when she was more than special to me, and in latter years we had become good friends again, so yeah, I do feel a great sense of loss personally and sure as hell wish that I had told her how I felt before she passed on.

There are so many unsaid words I wish I'd said, and others I wish I hadn't said previously, but I can change none of that and now have regrets that I never availed myself of the opportunity to make amends for those things.  I sort of kept my distance, most likely when it wasn't necessary, because we had both moved on, I was already in a safe zone, so to speak - but I never told her that, no matter what, there was still some love for her in my heart.  You never lose that when you've had children together, and I just wish that I'd told her so before it was too late.

 

Anyway, I've cried buckets for all sorts of rasons over the last few weeks and it seems to have helped some, but I still have a long way to go before I am back to my usual fun-loving self, so hang in there peeps, I'll return with a lighter, happier heart in the near future.

Also, thanks a billion to all my friends, I know you're all thinking of me and I'm most grateful.

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August 20, 2014 6:15:02 AM from WinCustomize Forums WinCustomize Forums

Most important: If you're dealing with Major Depressive Disorder, please get help ASAP. Waiting around to feel better, just isn't in the cards. You have to find the energy to get to your MD and for him/her to initiate treatment ASAP.  If you're already being treated, continue your meds and get seen ASAP. Do not lolligag about.

 

So need to apologize for anything, Mark. Peoples' actions and reactions...etc. are a product of the present with our pasts. 

If you felt you couldn't say it at the time, there are good reasons why...and there's no guilt to be had. Just regrets over what was and what could have been.

Let it be. Take your time. Don't force it. You know where to find me (to your great and everlasting regret - ).

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August 20, 2014 6:46:57 AM from WinCustomize Forums WinCustomize Forums

What Doc said, Capt'n.... 

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August 20, 2014 7:16:35 AM from WinCustomize Forums WinCustomize Forums

What Doc and TBC said.

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August 20, 2014 8:11:43 AM from WinCustomize Forums WinCustomize Forums
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August 20, 2014 11:11:47 AM from WinCustomize Forums WinCustomize Forums

All of the above! 

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August 20, 2014 12:16:16 PM from WinCustomize Forums WinCustomize Forums

Get your fix, Mark. We love ya and will wait, and pray as well.

 

You are important to us, so do please get any help you need and always call on us for support. We're here for ya, mate!

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August 20, 2014 6:52:37 PM from WinCustomize Forums WinCustomize Forums

I've been missing your long windedness....     It must be rant time somewhere..    hehe

Do what needs to be done to get better.  Like yesterday on that would be awesome.   And smile sometimes, because a study showed it releases endorphins (don't quote me on that)  in the brain that makes you feel happier.  So all by yourself,  smile.   It works.                                miss u dude

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August 27, 2014 2:40:36 PM from WinCustomize Forums WinCustomize Forums

Sorry it has been a while getting back here; however, life has thrown me a few curve balls of late and I've really not been myself... at times in ways I feel not just remorse for but very much ashamed.

Simply put, I've not been able to conduct myself or behave as I would have liked, and the consequences have been ugly to say the least.  Whether it was the depression; anxiety issues; the bad news regarding my former wife's passing; the fact that both my son and daughter have ongoing drug problems... or all of the above, but I didn't cope at all well and became someone even I couldn't like, much less love or respect, thus leaving me feeling isolated and alone because nobody else could, either... which is the last thing a person with depression and manic thoughts needs.

To compound the issue, my mother didn't believe in clinical depression - well not in a medical context - and believed I was just being an asshole because I had abused prescription drugs, was drug affected psychotic as a result.  This failure to understand what I was going through caused much animosity and I said some reprehensible things that would not come from the mouth of a loving and respectful son... hence the shame and remorse, which served to exacerbate the depression and anxiety rather than allow me to learn from it.

It wasn't until the passing of Robin Williams that my mother believed that depression is an illness like any other, that it can affect people from all walks of life and that there are consequenses to an illness that can be managed but not cured.  It changed her thinking some, and while we may not be 100% on the same page as yet, I am now feeling some support and understanding, whereas I didn't before. 

It's not all roses just yet, however.  As stated, I was not the son she would have wanted, so she is still recovering and may take a while to get back to the loving, caring mother she was just a few short weeks ago.  I understand and expect this.

Anyhow, I did seek treatment a few weeks ago, and I was prescribed Pristiq 50mg rather than 100mg I was previously taking.  The doctor was reluctant to prescribe the larger dose because I'd had a lapse of some weeks and he suggested that I should be weaned on to it due to potential and unwanted side effects.  Now the 50mg dosage was helpful for a while, but it soon felt like it wasn't enough and my depressive state worsened as events and circumstances became overwhelming.  I needed the stronger dose and I needed something to help me wind down and sleep, but the doctor didn't feel it wise to up the dosage until I'd at least finished the 50mg script beforehand.

It was like being between a rock and a hard place, and there was no stopping the crazy thoughts or horrible things I was saying/doing.  Like a freight train without brakes, I was heading for disaster, but thanks to a quick call to my doctor I averted that.  He suggested I take 2 50mg Pristiq tabs each morning and that has helped considerably in calming things down.  He attends the clinic on Saturday mornings and wants me to go in so he can reassess my medication and treatment program. 

I'm told by mother and others not to self-diagnose, but I suspect that I may be bi-polar, given some of what has happened over the last couple of weeks, so the doctor wants to re-examine me and refer me to the respective specialists to get a proper diagnosis.  So yes, people, I am seeking help and I will beat it.... well manage it better, that is.

So, now all that is said and done, thank you all for your concern, support and advice, I much appreciate the love and friendship you've all shown me.

Quoting Jafo,

Thanks, Paul, I hadn't thought of them - well more that I'd sort of forgotten about them - but yeah, thanks for the link and the timely reminder. I know of a few people who have benefitted from the support of BeyondBlue, and no doubt I can too.  There's another organisation called Open Minds that Shaunna has put me on to, and being they have offices locally I can get some face to face interaction with counselors and others with similar problems, etc.

Quoting IROKONESS,

I've been missing your long windedness.... It must be rant time somewhere.. hehe

It that long-winded enough for ya?

As for the rant, well I'm sure I've got one up my sleeve someplace, so I'll see what I can do in the next few days or so, orright?

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August 27, 2014 4:05:17 PM from WinCustomize Forums WinCustomize Forums

Yes...I'd think making sure bipolar depression wasn't the problem. The treatment is very different.

And glad you and your mum are on the mend. Don't worry about who you think she wanted you to be...just be yourself.

That's who you are, and folks here are fine with it.

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August 27, 2014 4:15:17 PM from WinCustomize Forums WinCustomize Forums

Quoting starkers,

It that long-winded enough for ya?

I would say 100% on that.     LOL        So happy to hear all things are full speed ahead with your doc and all things required.      Best in a while.

Keep it up... hehe   

Anytime is a good time for a proper rant!   

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August 27, 2014 8:23:09 PM from WinCustomize Forums WinCustomize Forums

Quoting DrJBHL,

And glad you and your mum are on the mend. Don't worry about who you think she wanted you to be...just be yourself.

That's who you are, and folks here are fine with it.
    Again what Doc said! I believe that many people learned alot about depression, through Robin Williams death... a *silver lining* in a way.     

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August 27, 2014 10:34:17 PM from WinCustomize Forums WinCustomize Forums

Quoting teddybearcholla,

Quoting DrJBHL,

And glad you and your mum are on the mend. Don't worry about who you think she wanted you to be...just be yourself.

That's who you are, and folks here are fine with it.

    Again what Doc said! I believe that many people learned alot about depression, through Robin Williams death... a *silver lining* in a way.     

Yep....much the same as Kylie's breast cancer .... more people than just herself benefited from the publicity...

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August 28, 2014 5:56:59 AM from WinCustomize Forums WinCustomize Forums

Quoting DrJBHL,

Yes...I'd think making sure bipolar depression wasn't the problem. The treatment is very different.

Yes, I need to be sure so I'm properly treated/medicated, etc.  The last thing I want is to go through all that again.  It was so debilitating and just sapped my will/spirit.  I still feel exhausted and physically spent, so it's not an episode I want to repeat any time soon, given the recovery period, which has been somewhat painful at times [coming to terms with my actions, etc] could well last longer than the episode itself.

I'm not out of the woods yet, and I may be absent for periods here and there, but I will try to keep you all updated as to my recovery process.  I do have positive thoughts now so I'm quite confident I will overcome the worst of it and return to a reasonably normal life...

 

.... well as normal as it can get, I guess.  I've pretty much been on the lunatic fringe much of my life, so don't go getting your hopes up that I'll somehow not be strange/somewhat deranged when this is all over.  It's one thing to believe in miracles, but that might be asking a bit much. LOL.

Again, thanks for the support and best wishes, they're golden.

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August 28, 2014 9:37:09 AM from WinCustomize Forums WinCustomize Forums

sorry you're having such a rough trot... hope you're all sorted soon...  

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August 28, 2014 10:29:38 AM from WinCustomize Forums WinCustomize Forums

I just caught this post. I hope you are improving and continue to. 

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August 28, 2014 2:02:53 PM from WinCustomize Forums WinCustomize Forums

Starkers, get well.  It is easy to say, and so very hard to do.  I have way too much experience with this disease.  Runs in the family.  My son was diagnosed at 15 with clinical depression and severe social anxiety.  He spent almost three  years in his room as we desperately sought help and guidance.  Young people slip through the cracks.  He struggles everyday.  When we don't hear from him - we worry and if we can't get in touch - panic sets in as we wonder what we will find wen we get to his door.  He suffered two strokes last year as well ( self medicating is NOT the way to go)  which made him realize that life is worth living even when that suffocating blackness of depression envelops you.  

 

Keep fighting.  There is light, however dim it seems.  Call out to friends and family.  We really do understand the pain and isolation this disease brings.

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August 29, 2014 5:26:55 AM from WinCustomize Forums WinCustomize Forums

I've had some time to think more clearly and now I'm able to see that my situation was not entirely of my own making or through a lack of medication.

There were other influences, sadly, and I have regrets and reservations about moving in with my mother.

Let's just say that not all is as it should be... certainly not as I would prefer it.

 

 

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August 29, 2014 5:51:40 AM from WinCustomize Forums WinCustomize Forums

Quoting starkers,

I have regrets and reservations about moving in with my mother.

hard not to pick that up from your last thread.... #28    seems she knows just how to press your buttons...and you have not been a happy camper since the move...we've all known you long enough to know when not all is well with our Capt'n...       

as I said earlier in your previous thread... some relationships are better on visiting terms... rather than living together, no matter how convenient... mental health comes first...

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August 29, 2014 6:39:35 AM from WinCustomize Forums WinCustomize Forums

What's abundantly clear is that folks here care a great deal about their old pyrate...and want only the best for him, no matter what that might be.

We all also want you to want that as well and act on it...which you're doing.

 

@Betty...my heart's and hopes are with you, girl.

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August 29, 2014 11:13:28 AM from WinCustomize Forums WinCustomize Forums

I've had other family members recently express concern regarding mother's mental state... dismay at what could best be described as her being mean spirited towards them... spiteful, even.  Some believe she's holding grudges from way back because she keeps dropping snide remarks about events that are better left in the past.  I just wish they had told me all this before I agreed to move here.

Quoting sydneysiders,

seems she knows just how to press your buttons

Yes, and there's no getting away from it... she'll follow me from room to room and even into the backyard to have the last [several dozen] words. As my niece said, it's her way or no way at all, that she seems to take pleasure in goading people into situations where she can make things quite unpleasant for them.  The most recent taunts were to call me a liar over several matters I have proof of, but it's like if she thinks something it is fact, and if she says something it is gospel. 

I can't win.  She wants to dominate EVERY conversation and will repeatedly talk over the top of me part way into sentences, and if I continue to speak to make my point, whatever, she just gets louder and louder.  Now if I found I needed to shout to be heard I was accused of elder abuse and she'd turn on the waterworks... especially if somebody was coming to visit, or someone knocked at the door.  Yup, I've copped some unfair/unjustified flak over it... but what defense do I have against a damsel in distress, so to speak.

Things have improved a little, and I do my best to avoid her, having to speak to her, having to ask anything.  It works up to a point, but I'd prefer to live alone than have to live like this.

Last thing she said to me yesterday is that in September she's going to England for 6 months ... again, and that I should stay on as a her house sitter.  Well I shall do that and play things by ear until I can source other accomodation that's affordable, cos I sure as hell don't want to be here when she gets back. 

If I'm going to be mad, insane, a complete nut job, I want it to be fun.... on my own terms.

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August 29, 2014 11:23:40 AM from WinCustomize Forums WinCustomize Forums

Actually, the worst thing about it was the complete lack of support regarding my depression. 

No, there's no such thing and that I was being a proper twat.

Even after her acknowledgement that it exists, it's the drugs I'm taking for it and, unlike Robin Williams, it's my own stupid fault.

Yup, I must have aggrieved her somewhere in the past, to have a mother who's become so insensitive, uncaring, sometimes downright spiteful.

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August 29, 2014 11:36:48 AM from WinCustomize Forums WinCustomize Forums

Hang in there cap'n. As Fuzzy once said...It would be illogical to assume that all things remain the same. 

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August 29, 2014 11:42:59 AM from WinCustomize Forums WinCustomize Forums

Cap'n - there are other things to be considered. Although personality does change with aging, physical and mental illnesses can also be responsible.

Of course, that doesn't make things any easier to bear...just easier to understand. Perhaps you might have a talk with her M.D.?

 

 

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August 30, 2014 12:53:28 AM from WinCustomize Forums WinCustomize Forums

Quoting starkers,

Some believe she's holding grudges from way back because she keeps dropping snide remarks about events that are better left in the past.

from experience... people as they get older, their memories of the distant past/early years, become way more vivid and important to them, kind of magnified, while recent past and present do not register as much on the importance/relevance scale...   Doc also has a point... she may have early signs of dementia or I've even seen geriatrics with a urinary tract infection go quite strange... the infection causes quite different symptoms in older people than young people and there can be no other alerting signs of it other than out of the usual, strange behaviour...  a course of antibiotics and they're back to normal.

Perhaps, as Doc said, a chat with her doctor.... and with him alerted, maybe a prompt for her to go and have a thorough checkup with a doctor she knows in Australia before she embarks on 6 months overseas... a good excuse... perhaps get your niece to suggest it if you think she is bucking everything you say to her... might be better coming from someone else...

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August 30, 2014 1:45:29 AM from WinCustomize Forums WinCustomize Forums

You choose your friends....you choose your spouse....but you're born with your family.

Just because they're yours doesn't make them 'good' people.

My dad was [mostly] a prick...

My sisters don't talk to each other anymore...I'm the poor sod in the middle...

My mum was 'perfect'....until the last half-dozen years....and yes, age does that....often.

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