Got a Funny?

I need a laugh.....

By on November 27, 2011 11:03:22 PM from WinCustomize Forums WinCustomize Forums

RedneckDude

Join Date 04/2009
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November 28, 2011 1:03:15 AM from WinCustomize Forums WinCustomize Forums

I can't see anything wrong with that advice.  Seems to me it was appropriate under the circumstances... and following it could offset her being late for work again.  More to the point, it would improve her fuel economy.

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November 28, 2011 5:58:25 AM from WinCustomize Forums WinCustomize Forums

Or it could simply be she ran out of gas. Does the gas gauge work?

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November 28, 2011 7:00:04 AM from WinCustomize Forums WinCustomize Forums

  Right thar RedneckDude.  LMAO          Wow  Amazing ain't it.

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November 28, 2011 11:17:45 AM from WinCustomize Forums WinCustomize Forums

Smart Student

 

The college professor had just finished explaining an important research project to his class. He emphasized that this paper was an absolute requirement for passing his class, and that there would be only two acceptable excuses for being late.

Those were a medically certifiable illness or a death in the student's immediate family.

A 'smart' student in the back of the classroom waved his hand and spoke up. "But what about extreme sexual exhaustion, professor?"

As you would expect, the class exploded in laughter. When the students had finally settled down, the professor froze the young man with a glaring look.

"Well," he responded, "I guess you'll just have to learn to write with your other hand."

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November 28, 2011 11:48:23 AM from WinCustomize Forums WinCustomize Forums

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November 30, 2011 6:12:58 AM from WinCustomize Forums WinCustomize Forums

Extracts from letters sent to a council housing office - Part 2

"I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them away."

"My lavatory seat is cracked - where do I stand?"

"The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared."

"Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces."

"This is to let you know that our toilet seat is broken and we can't get BBC2 television programs."

 

 

 

 

 


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November 30, 2011 10:22:17 AM from WinCustomize Forums WinCustomize Forums

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December 1, 2011 10:38:51 AM from WinCustomize Forums WinCustomize Forums

Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror and says, "Hmm, this person looks familiar."
The second blonde says, "Here, let me see!"
So the first blonde hands her the compact.
The second one looks in the mirror and says, "You dummy, it's me!"


----------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Funny - Beer contains female hormones

 

Beer contains female hormones......

Last month, National University of Lesotho scientists released
the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of
female hormones in beer. Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption.

The theory is that beer contains female hormones (hops contain
phytoestrogens) and that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women.

To test the theory, 100 men drank 8 pints of beer each within a
1 Hour period.

It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects:
1) argued over nothing.
2) refused to apologize when obviously wrong.
3) Gained weight.
4) Talked excessively without making sense.
5) Became overly emotional.
6) Couldn't drive.
7) Failed to think rationally
8 )Had to sit down while urinating.

No further testing was considered necessary.

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December 1, 2011 11:00:31 AM from WinCustomize Forums WinCustomize Forums

Quoting mrs_starkers,
Funny - Beer contains female hormones

Priceless!

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December 1, 2011 11:10:48 AM from WinCustomize Forums WinCustomize Forums

ROFLMFAO!!!!

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December 1, 2011 11:11:09 AM from WinCustomize Forums WinCustomize Forums

Did they consider the possibility that women were peeing in their hubby's beer?

 

*doc is glad mrs starkers posted that... if it were a man, he'd never get any again. I don't mean beer.

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December 1, 2011 8:15:36 PM from WinCustomize Forums WinCustomize Forums

Quoting DrJBHL,
*doc is glad mrs starkers posted that... if it were a man, he'd never get any again. I don't mean beer.

 

  I couldn't help myself  

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December 1, 2011 8:38:32 PM from WinCustomize Forums WinCustomize Forums
John Paul Mitchell Systems
P.O. Box 10597
Beverly Hills, CA 90213-3597

Dear Paul Mitchell or Designated Agent of Same;

Our family is delighted with the products of the Paul Mitchell system. We would not entertain the thought of venturing outside our home until Paul Mitchell has washed, conditioned, rinsed, gelled, sculpted and sprayed our hair. Your products have repeatedly rescued us from the terror of a BAD HAIR DAY!

However, lately we have encountered several problems. It began one morning after a shower when my wife tried to use her 16 oz. Sculpting Spray pump. Just when she needed Paul Mitchell the most, it didn't come through, the pump that is. I tried to hold the bottle at different angles using different hands to depress the pump sprayer. I even held it upside down. I gently stroked the bottle and spoke softly to it. (In case the spray was fearful to come out). Then I shook the bottle and spoke not so softly. (In case the spray had an obedience problem) but it was to no avail.

Then my wife Vicki discovered that her Super Clean Extra Firm Holding Spray 10 oz. aerosol can had a problem. When she sprays it, half the spray hits her hair and the other half dribbles straight down. Now mind you, the Super Clean spray looks super good on Vicki's hair, but not too good on her new dress. Now if my son stands beside my wife, right up against her, sometimes he can get the dripping spray on his hair, but it is not very well distributed among his follicles.

Finally our 32 oz. Awapuhi Shampoo went on the fritz. One day recently while minding our own business, we pumped the pump to access the precious substance inside and the pump broke. Now when I say broke I mean broke! A big hole now sits in the center of our shampoo cap. Now I don't know how this happened. Maybe the pump grew weary of pumping or perhaps some consumer agency requires the use of breakaway pumps to avoid damage to the bottle just as breakaway rims are used in basketball to save the backboard. Whatever the reason for the misfortune, it is inconvenient to say the least.

Now when I want to wash my hair I must grab the bulky 32 Oz. bottle with wet hands and squeeze shampoo out the hole in the lid. Paul Mitchell Awapuhi comes out in big globs. So I attempt to put some back in the bottle, but it runs down my leg and straightway down the drain never stopping to lather anything enroute.

This experience has answered one question for me! Where did you get the name Awapuhi? Well, now I know because that's what I say after the frustration of the afore mentioned incident, Awh-Pooey.

I feel like the pauper who lived in a ramshackle shack over the richest oil well in Texas. He knew the precious substance was close by, he just couldn't get it out. It's like the U.S. Postal Service; the content of my mail is welcome but the delivery system leaves something to be desired, if you know what I mean.

In closing, I hope this problem can be remedied. I am saddened because the Figsby family put their faith in the Paul Mitchell System but alas the system failed us!

Sincerely,

Mr. Terrence Figsby

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December 1, 2011 8:43:44 PM from WinCustomize Forums WinCustomize Forums

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December 1, 2011 8:46:05 PM from WinCustomize Forums WinCustomize Forums

Quoting DrJBHL,
if it were a man, he'd never get any again

This would imply that you're getting some.

Didn't we already have a talk about you playing doctor over at the nursing home.

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December 1, 2011 9:06:46 PM from WinCustomize Forums WinCustomize Forums

Old Heads need a little TLC too at times, even if they must use  proxy. Proxy don't mind ...... she's blonde.

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December 1, 2011 9:11:13 PM from WinCustomize Forums WinCustomize Forums

Dear Santa,

What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you making toys?

Your friend, Thomas

Dear Thomas,

All the toys get made in China. I have a condo in Vegas, where I spend most my time squeezing cocktail waitresses' asses, and losing all my cash at the craps table.Hey, YOU wanted to know!

Santa

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December 1, 2011 9:22:42 PM from WinCustomize Forums WinCustomize Forums

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December 1, 2011 10:24:14 PM from WinCustomize Forums WinCustomize Forums

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rNzwgrtdBo8

Hershey-squirt anyone?

Copperhill

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December 1, 2011 10:25:32 PM from WinCustomize Forums WinCustomize Forums

Two blondes are walking through the woods.   They come upon some tracks.

 

First blond "I think these are deer tracks."

Second blond "No silly, those are moose tracks."

They were still arguing when the train hit them.

 

 

 

 

 

Two guys are walking down the street, they see a dog licking himself.

 

First guy "I wish i could do that."

 

Second guy "Maybe you should pet him first."

 

 

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December 2, 2011 12:41:54 AM from WinCustomize Forums WinCustomize Forums
~~~~~~~▄▌▐▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▌
~~~▄▄██▌█ ░ ░░░ The Karma TRUCK IS
COMING!░░░ ▐
▄▄▄▌▐██▌█ ░░ and I filled the tank up just for you
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December 2, 2011 12:59:25 AM from WinCustomize Forums WinCustomize Forums

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target.

Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Target:

Dear Mrs. Harris,

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:

1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.

6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.

9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the ' Mission Impossible' theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'

And last, but not least:

15. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of the clerks passed out.

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December 2, 2011 1:35:54 AM from WinCustomize Forums WinCustomize Forums

Dear Wife,
I’m writing you this letter to tell you that I’m leaving you forever. I’ve been a good man to you for 7 years & I have nothing to show for it. These last 2 weeks have been hell. ... Your boss called to tell me that you quit your job today & that was the last straw. Last week, you came home & didn’t even notice I had a new haircut, had cooked your favorite meal & even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers. You ate in 2 minutes, & went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps. You don’t tell me you love me anymore; you don’t want sex or anything that connects us as husband & wife. Either you’re cheating on me or you don’t love me anymore; whatever the case, I’m gone. Your EX-Husband P.S. don’t try to find me. Your SISTER & I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life! ——
.
.Dear Ex-Husband,
Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It’s true you & I have been married for 7 years, although a good man is a far cry from what you’ve been. I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining & griping Too bad that doesn’t work. I DID notice when you got a hair cut last week, but the 1st thing that came to mind was ‘You look just like a girl!’ Since my mother raised me not to say anything if you can’t say something nice, I didn’t comment. And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY SISTER, because I stopped eating pork 7 years ago. About those new silk boxers: I turned away from you because the $49.99 price tag was still on them, & I prayed it was a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed $50 from me that morning. After all of this, I still loved you & felt we could work it out. So when I hit the lotto for 10 million dollars, I quit my job & bought us 2 tickets to Jamaica But when I got home you were gone.. Everything happens for a reason, I guess. I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won’t get a dime from me. So take care. Signed, Your Ex-Wife, Rich As Hell & Free! P.S. I don’t know if I ever told you this, but my sister Carla was born Carl. I hope that’s not a problem.
 
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December 2, 2011 4:46:13 AM from WinCustomize Forums WinCustomize Forums

Hey Smedley...

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December 2, 2011 4:52:41 AM from WinCustomize Forums WinCustomize Forums

Dear mrs starkers ... and DrJBHL

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