Make Me Laugh

By on December 5, 2008 2:52:33 PM from WinCustomize Forums WinCustomize Forums

PoSmedley

Join Date 04/2005
+786

I don't ask much from you all (at least I don't think I do...except to put up with my sh**..I dunno...) but I'm having a real sh** couple of weeks. I just gotta hold out until the 11th for my nerve block and the drugs aren't cutting it. I've been watching a lot of 'House' (I love that freaking show) and 'Family Guy' to keep my mind off of the pain and the fact that I can't paint the livingroom and kitchen before Christams for my wife. (I can't do it on the drugs and without them I can barely walk let alone bend and all that good stuff)

 

So...give me some distraction, will ya? Make me laugh, please.  And don't worry about being in good taste and all. I can't remeber the last time I was offended.

I'm counting on you. I want to leave work, go home, boot up the PC and pee myself laughing. (Not that I don't pee myself now, but this way I have an excuse)

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hemanherecomes
Skinhit
angus1949
December 5, 2008 3:05:04 PM from WinCustomize Forums WinCustomize Forums

You make me laugh so much with your posts on your crazy job and the folks that you work for, and those working for you that I've got to send you these. Some of them had me runnin' ta pee before messing my pants. Sorry for your pain, Po'. I wish I could help you so....

1. When you get pulled over, say "What's wrong, ossifer, there's no blood in my alcohol?" 

2. When he asks why you were speeding, tell him you wanted to race. 

3. When he talks to you, pretend you are deaf. 

4. If he asks if you knew how fast you were going, say no, my speedometer only goes to...... 

5. Ask if you can see his gun. 

6. Touch him. 

7. When he asks why you were speeding, tell him you had to buy a hat. 

8. Ask him where he bought his cool hat. 

9. Refer to him by his first name. 

10. Pretend you are gay and ask him out. 

11. When he says no, cry. 

12. If he says yes, accuse him of sexual harassment. 

13. If the cop is a woman, tell her how ugly she is, but in a nice way. 

14. If he asks you to step out of the car, automatically throw yourself on the hood. 

15. Ask to be fingerprinted with candy, cause you don't like ink on your fingers. 

16. After you sign the ticket and give it to him, say "Oops! That's the wrong name." 

17. Bribe him with donuts, and when he agrees, tell him sorry, I just ate the last one. 

18. When he comes up to the car, say "License and registration, please" right when he says it. 

19. When he goes to read you your rights, sing "La La La, I can't hear you!" 

20. Trip and fall into him. 

21. Accuse him of police brutality when he pushes you away. 

22. Before you sign the ticket, pick your nose. You have to sign with his pen. 

23. Chew on the pen, nervously. 

24. Clean your ear with the pen. 

25. If it's a click pen, take it apart and play with the spring. 

26. Ask if he has a daughter. If he says yes, say I thought the name sounded familiar..... 

27. Ask him if he ever worked in a prison. If he says yes, ask him how the plumbing was. 

28. Act like you are retarded. 

29. When he's telling you what you did wrong, start repeating him, quietly. 

30. Mumble to yourself. 

31. When he tells you to stop, say what are you talkin about, DUDE? 

32. Drive to Dunkin Donuts and say hmmm....only 5 of you here tonight....... 

33. Ask if they know how to make the donuts. 

34. When he comes to the car, say I have a badge just like yours! 

35. Ask if he watches Cops. 

36. Ask if ever watched Cop Rock. 

37. Giggle if he did. 

38. Talk to your hand. 

39. Ask if he knows somone named Rosy Palm and her Five Favorite Friends. 

40. Accuse him of Sexual Harassment if he does. 

41. When he asks to inspect your car, say there is no alcohol in my car, sir, the last cop got it. 

42. Try to sell him your car. 

43. Ask if you can buy his car. 

44. If he takes you to the station, Ask to sit in front. 

45. Play with the siren. 

46. If there is someone else in the car, talk to each other in tongues. 

47. When he acts confused, keep talking, look at him and laugh. 

48. When you are in the back, touch his neck through the fencing. 

49. Turn your head and whistle. 

50. If he sticks you in the back of the car, cower in the corner, suck your thumb, and whine. 

51. Stare at his lights and say "Look at the pretty colors!" 

52. Tell him you like men in uniform. 

53. Ask if you can borrow his uniform for a Halloween party

OK, bro? I'll check back later,

Doc

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December 5, 2008 3:08:38 PM from Stardock Forums Stardock Forums

ZubaZ starts to collect all the skinhit phots (that he claims are photoshopped).

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December 5, 2008 3:08:50 PM from WinCustomize Forums WinCustomize Forums

A woman meets a man in a bar.









They talk; they connect; they end
up leaving together.





They get back to his place,





and as he shows her around his
apartment.





She notices that one wall of his
bedroom is





completely filled with soft, sweet,
cuddly teddy bears.





There are three shelves in the
bedroom,





with hundreds and hundreds of cute,





cuddly teddy bears carefully placed
in rows, covering the entire wall!





It was obvious that he had taken
quite some time to lovingly arrange them





and she was immediately touched





by the amount of thought he had
put into organizing the display.





There were small bears all along
the bottom shelf,





medium-sized bears covering the
length of the middle shelf,





and huge, enormous bears running
all the way along the top shelf.





She found it strange for an
obviously masculine guy





to have such a large collection of
Teddy Bears,





She is quite impressed by his
sensitive side.





but doesn't mention this to him.





They share a bottle of wine and
continue talking and,





after awhile, she finds herself
thinking,





'Oh my God! Maybe, this guy
could be the one!





Maybe he could be the future
father of my children?'















She turns to him and kisses him
lightly on the lips





He responds warmly.





They continue to kiss, the passion
builds,





and he romantically lifts her in
his arms and carries her into his bedroom





where they rip off each other's
clothes and make hot, steamy love.





She is so overwhelmed that she
responds with more passion,





more creativity, more heat than she
has ever known.





After an intense, explosive night
of raw passion with this sensitive guy,





they are lying there together in
the afterglow.





The woman rolls over, gently
strokes his chest and asks coyly,





'Well,how was it?'





The guy gently smiles at her,





strokes her cheek,





looks deeply into her eyes,





and says:





'Help yourself to any prize





from the middle shelf.'

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December 5, 2008 3:15:05 PM from WinCustomize Forums WinCustomize Forums

DEAF WIFE "priceless"
>                                 
>                                 A man feared his wife
> wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he thought she
> might need a hearing aid. Not quite sure how to approach
> her, he called the family Doctor to discuss the problem.
>                                 
>                                 The Doctor told him there
> is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give
> the Doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.
>                                 
>                                 Here's what you
> do," said the Doctor, "stand about 40 feet away
> from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see
> if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and
> so on until you get a response." 
>
>                                 That evening, the wife is
> in the kitchen cooking dinner,   and he was in the den. He
> says to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away, let's
> see what happens." Then in a normal tone he asks,
> 'Honey, what's for dinner?"
>                                 
>                                 No response.
>                                     
>                                 So the husband moves closer
> to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats,
> "Honey, what's for dinner?"
>
>                                    Still no response.
>                                    
>                                 Next he moves into the
> dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife and
> asks, "Honey, what's for dinner?"
>
>
>                                 Again he gets no response.
>                                 
>                                 So, he walks up to the
> kitchen door, about 10 feet away. "Honey,what's for
> dinner?" Again there is no response.
>                                 
>                                  So he walks right up
> behind her. "Honey, what's for dinner?"
>                                 
>                                 
>                                
>
>
>
>
>
>
>                                (I just love this)
>
>
>                                 "Ralph , for the FIFTH
> Fuckin' time, CHICKEN!"

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December 5, 2008 3:16:34 PM from WinCustomize Forums WinCustomize Forums

2008's First Christmas Joke    
 

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

"In honor of this holy season" Saint Peter said,  "You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It represents a candle", he said.

"You may pass through the pearly gates" Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells."

Saint Peter said "You may pass through the pearly gates".

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and  finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"

The man replied, "These are Carols."


And So The Christmas Season Begins......

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December 5, 2008 3:18:13 PM from WinCustomize Forums WinCustomize Forums

The power of
> Alcohol     A man is waiting for his wife to give birth. The
> doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born
> without torso, arms or legs.The son is just a head! But the
> dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with
> love and compassion.   After 21 years, the son is now old
> enough for his first drink. Dad takes him to the bar,
> tearfully tells the son he is proud of him and orders up the
> biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar
> patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his
> head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol. 
> Swoooosh! Plop!! A torso pops out! The bar is dead silent;
> then bursts into whoops of joy. The father, shocked, begs
> his son to drink again. The patrons chant 'Take another
> drink!'  The bartender continues to shake his head in
> dismay . Swoooosh! Plip! Plop!! Two arms pop out.   The bar
> goes wild. The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to
> drink again. The patrons chant, 'Take another drink!
> Take another drink!!' The bartender ignore s the whole
> affair and goes back to polishing glasses, shaking his head,
> clearly unimpressed by the amazing scenes.   By now the boy
> is getting tipsy, but with his new hands he reaches down,
> grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it. Plop! Plip!! Two
> legs pop out. The bar is in chaos. The father falls to his
> knees and tearfully thanks God. The boy stands up on his new
> legs and stumbles to the left then staggers to the right
> through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs
> over him and kills him instantly. The bar falls silent. 
> The father moans in grief . The bartender sighs and says,
> (Wait for it)  *  (It's coming)  *  (Ya ready?)  *
> (Don't hate me)  *     * (You're gonna hate me)  * *
>  (Take a deep breath)    'He should've quit while he
> was a head

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December 5, 2008 3:20:15 PM from WinCustomize Forums WinCustomize Forums

A tongue-tied man goes into a nut shop and the first thing
> he notices is
>                 that the guy behind the counter has the
> largest nose he's ever seen.
>
>                 The tongue-tied guy quickly turns his
> attention to the merchandise and
>                 asks, "Ess-tues me, sir?"
>
>                 "Yes?" replies the clerk.
>
>                 "Tould you tale me how mutsh your
> pisstasheos arr?"
>
>                 "Pistachio's? They're six
> dollars a pound."
>
>                 "SSit!" The tongue-tied guy goes
> back to browsing and then asks, "Welp,
>                 how mutsh arr your aahhmons?"
>
>                 "Almonds? They're seven fifty a
> pound."
>
>                 "SSIT! tas pensive," replies the
> tongue-tied man. "Welp, how bout your
>                 pikanns?"
>
>                 "Pecans? They're on sale today,
> they're only four fifty a pound."
>                 
>                 "Welp, Ssit. Just div me a pound of
> dose dhen."
>
>                 "All right then," says the clerk
> as he begins bagging up a pound of
>                 pecans..
>
>                 Then the tongue-tied guy says to the clerk,
> "Sirr, I just wanna tay tank
>                 you fo not making fun of de way I talk,
> cauz I tan't hep it."
>
>                 The clerk replies with a smile. "Oh
> sir, you don't have to thank me for
>                 that. I don't make fun of anybody. I
> don't know if you noticed but I
>                 have a rather large nose."
>
>                 The tongue-tied guy replies, "Oh, is
> dat your noze? I tought dat wuz
>                 your pecker since your nuts are so
> high."

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December 5, 2008 3:20:37 PM from WinCustomize Forums WinCustomize Forums

After his death, Osama bin Laden went to heaven. 

There he was greeted by George Washington, who proceeded to slap him across the face and yell at him, "How dare you try to destroy the nation I helped conceive!" 

Patrick Henry approached and punched Osama in the nose and shouted,"You wanted to end our liberties but you failed." 

James Madison entered, kicked Osama in the groin and said,"This is why I allowed our government to provide for the common defense!" 

Thomas Jefferson came in and proceeded to beat Osama many times with a long cane and said, "It was evil men like you that provided me the inspiration to pen the Declaration of Independence!" 

These beatings and thrashings continued as John Randolph, James Monroe and 66 other early Americans came in and unleashed their anger on the Muslim terrorist leader. 

As Osama lay bleeding and writhing in unbearable pain an Angel appeared. Bin Laden wept in pain and said to the Angel, "This is not what you promised me." 

The Angel replied, "I told you there would be 72 Virginians waiting for you in heaven. What did you think I said?" 

Who said there was no such thing as .... karma?

 

==========================================================================================

 

Prince Charles finds an ancient wine bottle in the cellar of Windsor Castle. When he opens it a genie flys out and grants him a wish.

Charles is ecstatic as just that morning he had reversed his Range Rover over the Queen's favourite corgi and squashed it flat. He asks the genie to bring back the dog to life as the Queen would be furious and upset. The genie examines the dog which is splattered all over the drive and tells Charles that there is nothing he can do so he'd best chuck the dog in the dustbin.

Charles then asks the genie if he could make his girlfriend Cammilla Parker-Bowles beautiful as the media were always poking shit at her looks.

The genie thinks for a moment scratches his head and says "On second thoughts get that fucking dog out of the bin again"!!!

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December 5, 2008 3:27:56 PM from WinCustomize Forums WinCustomize Forums

Do you think I should let my hair grow out?

             

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December 5, 2008 3:35:45 PM from WinCustomize Forums WinCustomize Forums

You might need to try this out to take your mind off things.

                    

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December 5, 2008 3:41:06 PM from WinCustomize Forums WinCustomize Forums

Hey! angus! Where'd you get that pic of Po' on #9 . (We'll see how bad off he is when he sees my remark).

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December 5, 2008 3:49:12 PM from WinCustomize Forums WinCustomize Forums

 

This should make you laugh

 

PS.. Hope you feel better soon

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December 5, 2008 3:51:52 PM from WinCustomize Forums WinCustomize Forums

Hey! angus! Where'd you get that pic of Po'

 

Oh yea your in trouble

 

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December 5, 2008 3:52:40 PM from WinCustomize Forums WinCustomize Forums

I hope you are laughing at something right now.  I also wish I had some power to alleviate your pain and give you comfort.  Don't worry either, if your wife is like mine the only one that's going to be mad about the rooms not being painted is you.  I know how frustrating not being able to do simple things can be.  You have my prayers and thoughts man.

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December 5, 2008 3:57:16 PM from WinCustomize Forums WinCustomize Forums

Gentlemen Quiz... Want to know if you're, or someone you know is a gentleman?

1. In the company of feminists, intercourse should be referred to as:
a ) Lovemaking
b ) Screwing
c ) The pigskin bus pulling into tuna town

2. You should make love to a woman for the first time only after you've both shared:
a ) Your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship
b )  Your blood-test results
c ) Five tequila slammers

3. You time your orgasm so that:
a ) Your partner climaxes first
b ) You both climax simultaneously
c ) You don't miss SportsCenter

4. Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is:
a ) Healthy, creative love-play
b )  Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend would ever agree to
c ) Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend need ever find out about

5. Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you've just had sex with is:
a ) The best part of the experience
b ) The second best part of the experience
c ) $100 extra

6. Your girlfriend says she's gained five pounds in weight in the last month. You tell her that it is:
a ) No concern of yours
b ) Not a problem - she can join your gym
c ) A conservative estimate

7. You think today's sensitive, caring man is:
a ) A myth
b ) An oxymoron
c ) A moron

8. Foreplay is to sex as:
a ) Appetizer is to entree
b ) Priming is to painting
c ) A queue is to an amusement park ride

9. Which of the following are you most likely to find yourself saying at the end of a relationship?
a ) "I hope we can still be friends."
b ) "I'm not in right now. Please leave a message after the tone...."
c ) "Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: You."

10. A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate:
a ) Probably needs a little more time before she can cope with that sort of intimacy
b ) Is uptight and a waste of time
c ) Shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus in the first place

If you answered 'A' more than 7 times, check your pants to make sure you really are a man.

If you answered 'B' more than 7 times, check into therapy, you're still a little confused.

If you answered 'C' more than 7 times, call me up. Let's go drinking.

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December 5, 2008 3:59:42 PM from WinCustomize Forums WinCustomize Forums

Tailsgirl...where'd you get the "full frontal" of Po'?

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December 5, 2008 4:07:05 PM from WinCustomize Forums WinCustomize Forums

If you answered 'C' more than 7 times, call me up. Let's go drinking.

 

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December 5, 2008 4:10:16 PM from WinCustomize Forums WinCustomize Forums

Quoting DrJBHL,
Tailsgirl...where'd you get the "full frontal" of Po'?

 

hehehe that thing's name is IT we are old friends lol

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December 5, 2008 4:14:34 PM from WinCustomize Forums WinCustomize Forums

Family guy is not funny. You are doing it wrong.

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December 5, 2008 4:57:18 PM from WinCustomize Forums WinCustomize Forums

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December 5, 2008 5:07:56 PM from WinCustomize Forums WinCustomize Forums

see not funny-----^^^  

 

Honest to something True story...

 

My Brother used to be a cop in town. I got a call from him at 2:00 am one morning to come and remove a bay window from the front of a home becuase the tenant was too fat to be carried. I removed the bay window so they could bring in a backhoe to lift her out to get her to the hospital. I swear to Robert Plant that it is true. I never got paid from the town of course.....

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December 5, 2008 5:17:08 PM from WinCustomize Forums WinCustomize Forums

HELL EXPLAINED BY CHEMISTRY STUDENT
The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term.

 

The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, and via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well:
 
Bonus Question:  Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?
 
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs
using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.
 
One student, however, wrote the following:
 

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time.  So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving.  I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave.  Therefore, no souls are leaving. 

As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.  Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell.  Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. 

With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.  Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it ?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my freshman year that, "It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. 

The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct .. leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a Divine Being which explains why last night, Teresa kept shouting, "Oh My God."


This student received an A+.

 

 

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December 5, 2008 5:47:08 PM from WinCustomize Forums WinCustomize Forums

lol

 

Ok.. I hope this doesn't cross the line..

 

A guy walks into a bar and says, "I'm so thirsty I could lick the sweat off a cows balls.."

The gay guy at the end of the bar says "Moo"

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December 5, 2008 6:31:15 PM from WinCustomize Forums WinCustomize Forums

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December 5, 2008 8:16:58 PM from WinCustomize Forums WinCustomize Forums

26. Ask if he has a daughter. If he says yes, say I thought the name sounded familiar.....

Someday I will tell you the story...

guy at the end of the bar says "Moo"

It was 'Moo, Moo, buckeroo' then everyone in the bar beat the sh** out of skinhit.

 

Thank you ALL very much. I needed that desperately.

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