Saturday funnies

By on November 15, 2008 2:13:38 PM from WinCustomize Forums WinCustomize Forums

teddybearch...

Join Date 12/2002
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I hope these bring a smile, I myself was laughing very hard!!!  No disrespect meant to anyone, and no one killed in the making of, either!!!

 

The first one...

 A dog is truly a man's best friend.

If you don't believe it, just try this experiment.

Put your dog and your wife in the trunk of the car for an hour.

When you open the trunk, who is really happy to see you????????

 

The second...

A man with a pegleg, hook hand and an eyepatch went to apply to be a pirate.

Interviewer: How did you get that pegleg?

Pirate: Arrr. I got me leg shot off during the first world war.

Interviewer: How did you get that hook?

Pirate: I got me hand cut off by a big knife.

Interviewer: What about your eyepatch?

Pirate: It was a rainy afternoon and I looked up into the sky and a bird crapped in me eye.

Interviewer: And that put your eye out?

Pirate: No, it was the day after I got me hook.

 

And last, but not least....

The foreman points out a huge pile of sand. He says to the Italian guy, 'You're in charge of sweeping.'

To the Scotsman he says, 'You're in charge of shoveling.'

And to the Chinese guy, 'You're in charge of supplies.'

He then says, 'Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you guys to make a dent in that there pile of sand.'

So when the foreman returns, after being away for a couple of hours, the pile of sand is untouched. He asks the Italian, 'Why didn't you sweep any of it?'

The Italian replies, ' I no hava no broom You saida to the Chinese-a-fella that he was in charge of supplies, but he has a disappeared and I no could finda him nowhere.'

Then the foreman turns to the Scotsman and says, 'And you, I thought I told you to shovel this pile.'

The Scotsman replies, 'Aye, that ye did laddie, boot ah couldnay get meself a shoovel! Ye left that Chinese gadgie in chairge of supplies, boot ah couldnay fin' him neither.'

The foreman is really angry now. He storms off toward the pile of sand to look for the Chinese guy. Just then, the Chinese guy leaps out from behind the pile of sand and yells....................'SUPPLIES!!!!'

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November 15, 2008 2:23:45 PM from WinCustomize Forums WinCustomize Forums

A linguistics professor was lecturing his class the other day. "In English," he said, "a double negative forms a positive. However, in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative remains a negative. But there isn't a single language, not one, in which a double positive can express a negative."
A voice from the back of the room retorted, "Yeah, right."

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November 15, 2008 2:36:50 PM from WinCustomize Forums WinCustomize Forums

The first one is very funny!  

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November 15, 2008 3:08:29 PM from WinCustomize Forums WinCustomize Forums

A speeder was chased for several miles by the highway patrol before he stopped.

When asked why he didn't stop he replied:

"Last week my wife ran away with a cop and I thought he was bringing her back!"

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November 15, 2008 3:09:53 PM from WinCustomize Forums WinCustomize Forums

One day the zookeeper noticed that the orang-utang was reading two books -- the Bible and Darwin's Origin of Species. In surprise he asked the ape, "Why are you reading both those books"?

"Well," said the orang-utang, "I just wanted to know if I was my brother's keeper or my keeper's brother."

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November 15, 2008 3:17:46 PM from WinCustomize Forums WinCustomize Forums

These are all too funny!!!

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November 15, 2008 3:21:28 PM from WinCustomize Forums WinCustomize Forums

Thanks very much one and all.  Brought a big smile to my face. 

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November 15, 2008 3:38:30 PM from WinCustomize Forums WinCustomize Forums

An elderly couple were driving down the highway when the wife in the passenger seat said "Remember how close together we used to sit when we were young?"

Her husband replied"I haven't moved"

 

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November 15, 2008 3:57:52 PM from WinCustomize Forums WinCustomize Forums

The foreman is really angry now. He storms off toward the pile of sand to look for the Chinese guy. Just then, the Chinese guy leaps out from behind the pile of sand and yells....................'SUPPLIES!!!!'

 

That line reminds of Wierd Al's movie "UHF". I giggle everytime I think of it....heeheehee....see!

 

Arizona COWBOY WHISPERER**

Cowboy: 'That your dog?'

Indian: 'Yep.'

Cowboy: 'Mind if I speak to him?'

Indian: 'Dog no talk.'

Cowboy: 'Hey dog, how's it going?'

Dog: 'Doin' all right.'

Indian: (Look of shock!)

Cowboy: 'Is this Indian your owner?' (Pointing at the Indian...)

Dog: 'Yep.'

Cowboy: 'How's he treating you?'

Dog: 'Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes me to the lake once a week to play.'

Indian: (Look of total disbelief)

Cowboy: 'Mind if I talk to your horse?'

Indian: 'Horse no talk.'

Cowboy: 'Hey horse, how's it going?'

Horse: 'Cool.'

Indian: (Extreme look of shock!)

Cowboy: 'Is this your owner?' (Pointing to the Indian...)

Horse: 'Yep.'

Cowboy: 'How's he treating you?'

Horse: 'Pretty good, thanks for asking, he rides me, brushes me down often and keeps me in a lean-to to protect me from the weather.'

Indian: (Look of total amazement)

Cowboy: 'Mind if I talk to your sheep?'

Indian: 'Sheep lie.'

 

**no offense meant to anyone, but this is damn funny

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November 15, 2008 4:17:13 PM from WinCustomize Forums WinCustomize Forums

When a Bill Gates met his untimely end, he was informed that he had a choice about where he would spend his eternity: Heaven or Hell. He was allowed to visit both places, and then make his decision afterwards.

"I'll see Heaven first," said the Gates, and an angel led through the gates on a private tour. Inside it was very peaceful and serene, and all the people there were playing harps and eating grapes. It looked very nice, but the salesman was not about to make a decision that could very well condemn him to a life of musical produce.

"Can I see Hell now?" he asked. The angel pointed him to the elevator, and he went down to the Basement where he was greeted by one of Satan's loyal followers. For the next half hour, Bill was led through a tour of what appeared to be the best night clubs he'd ever seen. People were partying loudly, and having a, if you'll pardon the expression, Hell of a time.

When the tour ended, he was sent back up where the angel asked him if he had reached a final decision.
"Yes, I have," he replied. "As great as Heaven looks and all, I have to admit that Hell was more of my kind of place. I've decided to spend my eternity down there."

Gates was sent to hell, where he was immediately thrown into a cave and was chained to a wall, and he was subjected to various tortures. "When I came down here for the tour," he yelled with anger and pain, "I was shown a whole bunch of bars and parties and other great stuff! What happened?!"

The devil replied, "Oh, that! That was just the Screen Saver."

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November 15, 2008 4:19:15 PM from WinCustomize Forums WinCustomize Forums

Oh my , Immy!!!!  

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November 15, 2008 4:19:39 PM from WinCustomize Forums WinCustomize Forums

Excellent, i dont know which one made me laugh more, and i am still laughing, sheep lie LOL, too funny, and the SUPPLIES i had heard that years ago but couldnt remember it,thanks for that

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November 15, 2008 4:36:14 PM from WinCustomize Forums WinCustomize Forums

You every drive through Montana and see all those sheep with either the red tabs or yellow tabs or blue tabs in their ears?  Yea....jewelry.

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November 15, 2008 5:18:12 PM from WinCustomize Forums WinCustomize Forums

Quoting angus1949,
You every drive through Montana and see all those sheep with either the red tabs or yellow tabs or blue tabs in their ears?  Yea....jewelry.

angus, I've been nice to you, supported you, emailed you...but when you start making fun of my dates....

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November 15, 2008 5:30:41 PM from WinCustomize Forums WinCustomize Forums

We have a town in Central Oregon that is a butt of many sheep jokes....such as ..."Are you my Daaaaaaaad?"

 

*note, that is only a joke, no one has yet have a paternaty test done on them from baby sheep mama*

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November 15, 2008 5:36:24 PM from WinCustomize Forums WinCustomize Forums

There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men -
'don't' and 'stop', unless they are used together.

Hey! That  could be a Murpy's Law too!

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November 15, 2008 5:40:48 PM from WinCustomize Forums WinCustomize Forums

The local game warden in a small town in Oregon had arrested a man for killing and eating an Egret. The man went before a judge to plead his case. After pleading guilty, but with an explanation, the judge asked him why he did it.

"I was just trying to feed my hungry family," he told the judge, "and I've never done anything like that before."

The judge, being a family man himself, had a soft heart and agreed to let the man go free, since he was only trying to feed his starving family and it was his first and only offense.

"Before you go, though, I want to ask you a question," the judge quipped, "What does Egret taste like?"

"Well your Honor," the man told him, "It's not as tender as Spotted Owl but its better than Bald Eagle!"

 

heh heh...take that, pc!

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November 15, 2008 5:42:39 PM from WinCustomize Forums WinCustomize Forums

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November 15, 2008 5:47:21 PM from WinCustomize Forums WinCustomize Forums

Doc thinks Immy got it. 

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November 15, 2008 5:56:15 PM from WinCustomize Forums WinCustomize Forums

Immy gets it well.

 

Spotted owl tastes good smoked. Especially after all the old growth forest burn.....mmmmm....tasty!

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November 15, 2008 6:50:55 PM from WinCustomize Forums WinCustomize Forums

 Fantastically evil laughter echoes in Doc's place.

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November 15, 2008 8:10:04 PM from WinCustomize Forums WinCustomize Forums

Note: to be read in a southern cowboy accent...

 

A three legged kitten walks into a bar in the old wild west.

The bartender says " hey boy, we don't sell liquor to no youngsters"

The kitten replies " I don't want none - I'm just lookin' fur ma pa..."

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November 15, 2008 8:18:04 PM from WinCustomize Forums WinCustomize Forums

 
  Joe was moderately successful in his career, but as he got older he was increasingly hampered by incredible headaches. When his personal hygiene and love life started to suffer, he sought medical help. After being referred from one specialist to another, he finally came across a doctor who solved the problem. 

"The good news is I can cure your headaches... The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine. The pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles." 

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife. 

When he left the hospital, his mind was clear, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. 

He walked past a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need: a new suit." He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit." 

The salesman eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see... size 44 long." Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?" 

"It's my job." 

Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?" Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure..." 

The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see... 34 sleeve and... 16 and a half neck" Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?" 

"It's my job." 

Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. As Joe adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about new shoes?" Joe was on a roll and said, "Sure..." 

The salesman eyed Joe's feet and said, "Let's see... 9-1/2... E." Joe was astonished, "That's right, how did you know?" 

"It's my job." 

Joe tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about a new hat?" Without hesitating, Joe said, "Sure..." 

The salesman eyed Joe's head and said, "Let's see... 7-5/8." Joe was incredulous, "That's right, how did you know?" 

"It's my job." 

The hat fit perfectly. Joe was feeling great, when the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?" Joe thought for a second and said, "Sure..." The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's see... size 36." 

Joe laughed, "No, I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old." 

The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. It would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."  

   



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November 15, 2008 9:51:26 PM from WinCustomize Forums WinCustomize Forums

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November 16, 2008 1:20:33 AM from WinCustomize Forums WinCustomize Forums

Ouch...

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November 16, 2008 10:10:51 AM from WinCustomize Forums WinCustomize Forums

One day a father gets out of work and on his way home he suddenly remembers that it's his daughter's birthday.
He pulls over to a Toy Shop and asks the salesgirl, 'How much for one of those Barbie's in the display window?'
The salesgirl answers, 'Which one do you mean, Sir? We have: Work Out Barbie for        $19.95, Shopping Barbie for $19.95, Beach Barbie for $19.95, Disco Barbie for $19.95, Ballerina Barbie for $19.95, Astronaut Barbie for $19.95, Skater Barbie for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.95.'
The amazed father asks: 'It's what?! Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the others only $19.95?'
The annoyed salesgirl rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers: 'Sir...., Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Boat, Ken's Furniture, Ken's Computer, one of Ken's Friends, and a key chain made from Ken's balls.'

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