Joke Central

please add your own, we all can use a laugh

By on February 7, 2008 10:44:50 AM from WinCustomize Forums WinCustomize Forums

Keila

Join Date 10/2002
+27
IRS

At the end of the tax year the IRS office sent an inspector to audit the books of a Synagogue. While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said, "I notice you buy a lot of candles.
What do you do with the candle drippings?"

"Good question," noted the Rabbi. "We save them up and send them back to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of candles."

"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way: "What about all these bread wafer purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?"

"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. "We collect them and send them back to the manufacturer, and every now and then they
send us a free box of bread-wafers."

"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Rabbi. "Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"

"Here, too, we do not waste, "answered the Rabbi."

What we do is save all the foreskins and send them to the tax office, and about once a year they send us a complete dick."

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March 31, 2008 10:38:03 AM from WinCustomize Forums WinCustomize Forums
Joke or fact...Pondering this one... hehe


To my friends who enjoy a glass of wine.. And those who don't.

As Ben Franklin said: In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is freedom, in water there is bacteria. In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1 litre of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. Coli) - bacteria found in faeces.

In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop. However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer (or tequila, rum, whiskey or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.

Remember: Water = Poop Wine = Health

Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid, than to drink water and be full of shit.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information: I'm doing this as a public service.



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March 31, 2008 10:46:14 AM from WinCustomize Forums WinCustomize Forums
Okay, here's one for a Monday.

The Nun in Hooters

A nun, badly needing to use the restroom, walked into a local Hooters.

The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while "the lights would turn off."

Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers.

However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent.

She walked up to the bartender, and asked, "May I please use the restroom?

The bartender replied, "OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf."

"Well, in that case, I'll just look the other way," said the nun.

So the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant.

After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause. !

She went to the bartender and said, "Sir, I don't understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?"

"Well, now they know you're one of us," said the bartender, "Would you like a drink?"

"No thank you, but, I still don't understand," said the puzzled nun.

"You see," laughed the bartender, "every time someone lifts the fig leaf on that statue, the lights go out."

"Now, how about that drink?"
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March 31, 2008 11:36:29 AM from WinCustomize Forums WinCustomize Forums
Two nuns were sent into town to pick up the Sunday paper for the mother superior, so they hopped on their bicycles and proceeded towards town. Not long after they had set off, some dark storm clouds began to roll in and Sister Mary said to Sister Jasmine: "I know a shortcut, and if we take it we would miss the storm and save getting wet."

"Take the next left turn, Sister Jasmine, and we will be missed by the storm.", and the next thing they were traveling down a very bumpy cobblestone street... bumpity bump, bumpity bump, bumpity bump.....

Sister Jasmine, Looking around at very unfamiliar sights, said to Sister Mary: "I don't think I've ever come this way before."

"Oh!", said Sister Mary, cheekily: "That'll be because of the cobblestones."



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March 31, 2008 11:50:50 AM from WinCustomize Forums WinCustomize Forums
A Catholic Priest and a Nun were taking a rare afternoon off
and enjoying a round of golf.

The Priest stepped up to the first tee and took a mighty swing.
He missed the ball entirely and said "Shit, I missed."

The good Sister told him to watch his language.

On his next swing, he missed again. "Shit, I missed."

"Father, I'm not going to play with you if you keep swearing,"
the Nun said tartly.

The Priest promised to do better, and the round continued.

On the 4th tee, he misses again. The usual comment followed.

Sister is really mad now and says, "Father John, God is going to
strike you dead if you keep swearing like that."

On the next tee, Father John swings and misses again.
"Shit, I missed."

A terrible rumble is heard and a gigantic bolt of lightning comes
out of the sky and strikes Sister Marie dead in her tracks.



And from the sky comes a booming voice .......
"Shit, I missed."
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March 31, 2008 11:52:54 AM from WinCustomize Forums WinCustomize Forums
and then there was
Three Irishmen, Paddy, Sean and Shamus, were stumbling home from the pub late one night and found themselves on the road which led past the old graveyard.

"Come have a look over here," says Paddy, "it's Michael O'Grady's grave, God bless his soul. He lived to the ripe old age of 87."

"That's nothing", says Sean, "here's one named Patrick O'Tool, it says here that he was 95 when he died."
Just then, Shamus yells out, "Good God, here's a fella that got to be 145 years old!"
"What was his name?" asks Paddy.
Shamus stumbles around a bit, awkwardly lights a match to see what else is written on the stone marker, and exclaims, "Miles, from Dublin."
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March 31, 2008 11:53:09 AM from WinCustomize Forums WinCustomize Forums
You just have to love Monday humor.       
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March 31, 2008 11:56:59 AM from WinCustomize Forums WinCustomize Forums
You just have to love Monday humor.


You sure do,
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March 31, 2008 12:31:13 PM from WinCustomize Forums WinCustomize Forums
  Enjoyed them all.    
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March 31, 2008 12:47:57 PM from WinCustomize Forums WinCustomize Forums
Since it is Monday   

Serenity Prayer...


Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change
The courage to change the things I cannot accept
And the wisdom to hide the bodies of those people
I had to kill today because they pissed me off.
And also, help me to be careful of the toes I step on today
As they may be connected to the ass that I have to kiss tomorrow.


Help me to always give 100% at work...
12% on Monday
23% on Tuesday
40% on Wenesday
20% on Thursday
and 5% on Friday.

And help me to remember...
When I'm having a really bad day
And it seems that people are trying to piss me off
That it takes 42 muscles to frown
And only 4 to extend my middle finger and tell them to bite me.
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March 31, 2008 1:09:41 PM from WinCustomize Forums WinCustomize Forums
An 80 year old woman was arrested for shop lifting. When she went before the judge he asked her, 'What did you steal?'
She replied: a can of peaches.

The judge asked her why she had stolen them and she replied that she was hungry.

The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can. She replied 6.

The judge then said, 'I will give you 6 days in jail.'

Before the judge could actually pronounce the punishment the woman's husband spoke up and asked the judge if he could say something.
He said, ' What is it? '

The husband said 'She also stole a can of peas.'
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March 31, 2008 1:12:57 PM from WinCustomize Forums WinCustomize Forums
Not a joke but I found it amusing.
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March 31, 2008 1:19:03 PM from WinCustomize Forums WinCustomize Forums
that's funny zakai.....  
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March 31, 2008 1:39:40 PM from WinCustomize Forums WinCustomize Forums
Just got this one in an email.

CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS
A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up & down the aisles.
The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.
He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.
She directs him down the correct aisle.
A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.
She says, confused, 'Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?
He answers, 'You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store
to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco
and some rolling papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper.
So, I figure if I have to roll my own so does she.
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March 31, 2008 2:07:28 PM from WinCustomize Forums WinCustomize Forums
First Isn't Always Best...


A secretary, a paralegal, and a partner in a big law firm are walking through a park on their way to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.

They rub it and a Genie comes out in a puff of smoke. The Genie says, "I usually only grant three wishes, so I'll give each of you just one."

"Me first! Me first!" says the secretary. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." Poof! She's gone.

"Me next! Me next!" says the paralegal. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of pina coladas and the love of my life." Poof! He's gone.

"You're next," the Genie says to the partner. The partner says, "I want those two back in the office right after lunch."
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April 1, 2008 1:04:59 AM from WinCustomize Forums WinCustomize Forums
The train was packed, and the U. S. Marine Walked the entire length looking for a seat, but a well-dressed, Middle-aged, French woman's poodle took the Only seat remaining.

The war-weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have that seat?"The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular, "Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat."

The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was Under that dog."Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired."She snorted, "Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!"

The next time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little Dog, tossed it out the train window, and sat down.

The woman shrieked, "Someone must defend my honor! Put this American In his place !"

An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, "Sir, you Americans seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand, you drive your vehicles on the wrong side of the road. And now, Sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out the window.
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April 1, 2008 3:03:31 AM from WinCustomize Forums WinCustomize Forums
Dear God

A little boy wanted $100 badly and prayed for two weeks but nothing happened.

Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100. When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to God, USA, they decided to send it to President Bush.

The President was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill.

President Bush thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.

The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 and sat down to write a thank you note to God, which read:

Dear God,

Thank you very much for sending the money, however, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through Washington D.C. and, as usual, those crooks deducted $95.00
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April 1, 2008 8:58:43 AM from WinCustomize Forums WinCustomize Forums
A stranger was seated next to a little girl on the airplane when the stranger turned to her and said,
'Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.'
The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger,

'What would you like to talk about?'

'Oh, I don't know,' said the stranger. 'How about nuclear power?' and he smiles.

'OK, ' she said. 'That could be an interesting topic, but let me ask you a question first.
‘A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?

The stranger, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence,
Thinks about it and says, 'Hmmm, I have no idea.'

To which the little girl replies, 'Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?'

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April 1, 2008 12:11:36 PM from WinCustomize Forums WinCustomize Forums


5 Stages of Drunkenness:

Stage 1 - SMART This is when you suddenly become an expert on every subject in the known Universe. You know you know everything and want to pass on your knowledge to anyone who will listen. At this stage you are always RIGHT. And of course the person you are talking to is very WRONG. This makes for an interesting argument when both parties are SMART.

Stage 2 - GOOD LOOKING This is when you realize that you are the BEST LOOKING person in the entire bar and that people fancy you. You can go up to a perfect stranger knowing they fancy you and really want to talk to you. Bear in mind that you are still SMART, so you can talk to this person about any subject under the sun.

Stage 3 - RICH This is when you suddenly become the richest person in the world. You can buy drinks for the entire bar because you have an armored truck full of money parked behind the bar. You can also make bets at this stage, because of course, you are still SMART, so naturally you win all your bets. It doesn't matter how much you bet 'cos you are RICH. You will also buy drinks for everyone that you fancy, because now you are the BEST LOOKING person in the world.

Stage 4 - BULLET PROOF You are now ready to pick fights with anyone and everyone especially those with whom you have been betting or arguing. This is because nothing can hurt you. At this point you can also go up to the partners of the people who you fancy and challenge to a battle of wits or money. You have no fear of losing this battle because you are SMART, you are RICH and hell, you're BETTER LOOKING than they are anyway!

Stage 5 - INVISIBLE This is the Final Stage of Drunkenness. At this point you can do anything because NO ONE CAN SEE YOU. You dance on a table to impress the people who you fancy because the rest of the people in the room cannot see you. You are also invisible to the person who wants to fight you. You can walk through the street singing at the top of your lungs because no one can see or hear you and because you're still SMART you know all the words.

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April 3, 2008 8:09:41 AM from WinCustomize Forums WinCustomize Forums
Some great joke guys thanks.   


....................They walk among us


I was at the checkout of a K-Mart. The clerk rang up $46.64 charge. I
gave her a fifty dollar bill. She gave me back $46.64. I gave it back to
her and told her that she had made a mistake in MY favor and gave her
the money back. She became indignant and informed me she was educated
and knew what she was doing, and returned the money again. I gave her
the money back again...same scenario! I departed the store with the
$46.64.

...............They Walk Among Us and Many Work Retail.

I walked into a Mickey D's with a buy-one-get-one-free coupon for a
sandwich. I handed it to the girl and she looked over at a little
chalkboard that said "buy one-get one free." "They're already
buy-one-get-one-free", she said, "so I guess they're both free" She
handed me my free sandwiches and I walked out the door.

........ .......They Walk Among Us and Many Work Retail.

One day I was walking down the beach with some friends when one of them
shouted, "Look at that dead bird!" Someone looked up at the sky and
said, "Where?"

...............They Walk Among Us!

While looking at a house, my brother asked the real estate agent which
direction was north because, he explained, he didn't want the sun waking
him up every morning. She asked, "Does the sun rise in the north?" When
my brother explained that the sun rises in the east, and has for
sometime, she shook her head and said, "Oh I don't keep up with that
stuff."

...............They Walk Among Us!!

I used to work in technical support for a 24/7 call center. One day I
got a call from an individual who asked what hours the call center was
open. I told him, "The number you dialed is op en 24 hours a day, 7 days
a week." He responded, "Is that Eastern or Pacific time?" Wanting to end
the call quickly, I said, "Uh, Pacific."

...............They Walk Among Us!

My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car designed to cut through a
seat belt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the trunk.

...............They Walk Among Us!

My friends and I were on a beer run and noticed that the cases were
discounted 10%. Since it was a big party, we bought 2 cases. The cashier
multiplied 2 times 10% and gave us a 20% discount.

...............They Walk Among Us!

I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area, so I went to
the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never
showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained
professional and I was in good hands. "Now," she asked me, has your
plane arrived yet?"

...............They Walk Among Us!

While working at a pizza parlor I observed a man ordering a small pizza
to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like
it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time before
responding. "Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough
to eat 6 pieces."

...............Yep, They Walk Among Us!

They Walk Among Us.......AND they reproduce!   




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April 3, 2008 9:30:40 AM from WinCustomize Forums WinCustomize Forums
Just watched this.
Gotta love Ellen   
WWW Link
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April 3, 2008 10:03:38 AM from WinCustomize Forums WinCustomize Forums
One day I was walking down the beach with some friends when one of them
shouted, "Look at that dead bird!" Someone looked up at the sky and
said, "Where?"


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April 5, 2008 11:42:26 AM from WinCustomize Forums WinCustomize Forums
Paddy and Mick, two typical Irish guys, were out for a night on the town when Paddy spots a church and tells Mick he needs to go in...

Mick says: "What in the hell for?? We're suppopsed to be out for a good time."

Paddy: "Mick me dear old mate, it's something I have to do.

With that, Paddy goes inside while Mick waits for him while he's giving confession.

"Father, it is that I've sinned again... committed adultery!!"

Priest: "And Paddy, now who would it have been you committed adultery with... it wouldn't have been that Mrs O' Flahety over on Dublin Street, would it??"

"No father, it wasn't!"

"Now tell me Paddy, would it have been Sinead O'Shea from Londonderry Street?"

"No father, it was not!"

"So Paddy, would it have been Kerry O'Milo from O'Duncan Street?"

"No father, it certainly was not!"

"OK, then Paddy, I'm guessing it was Winnie O'Keefe from Dunstall Road!!"

"No father, it wasn't her either."

"So tell me Paddy, would it not have been Kerry O'Shamus from the Dublin Arms pub?"

"Not at all Father, not at all!!"

"Right then Paddy, it would have had to have been Gemma O'Jameison from the Londonderry Inn, then?"

"No father, come to think of it, I can't quite remember her name now."

After being absolved of his sins and being told to say four Hail Mary's, Paddy emerged from the church with a huge grin from ear to ear...

"So Paddy, what do you find so amusing about giving confession?"

"Well Mick, we're out for a good night on the town, aren't we?"

"We sure are Paddy!"

"And you really want to enjoy yerself, don't ya?

"Sure do, Mick!"

"Well while I was in there I got half a dozen sure bets!""



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April 25, 2008 10:18:11 AM from WinCustomize Forums WinCustomize Forums
THIS IS A BAD DAY

AUSTRALIAN BRICKLAYER'S REPORT

Possibly the funniest story in a long while. This is a bricklayer's
accident report, which was printed in the newsletter of the Australian
equivalent of the Workers' Compensation board.

Had this guy died, he'd have received a Darwin Award for sure.......

Dear Sir,

I am writing in response to your request for additional information in
Block 3 of the accident report form. I put 'poor planning' as the cause of
my accident. You asked for a fuller explanation and I trust the following details will be sufficient.

I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six-story building. When I completed my work, I found that I had some bricks left over which, when weighed later were found to be slightly in excess of 500lbs.

Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a
barrel by using a pulley, which was attached to the side of the building on
the sixth floor.

Securing the rope at ground I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and untied the rope, holding it tightly to ensure a slow descent of the bricks.



You will note in Block 11 of the accident report form that I weigh 135

lbs. Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost

my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I

proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building.



In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel, which was now

proceeding downward at an equally impressive speed. This explained the

fractured skull, minor abrasions and the broken collar bone, as listed in section 3 of the accident report form. Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley.



Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of beginning to experience pain.



At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the

ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel.



Now devoid of the weight of bricks, that barrel weighed approximately

50 lbs. I refer you again to my weight.



As you can imagine, I began a rapid descent, down the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and several lacerations of my legs and lower body.



Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked.



I am sorry to report, however,as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in pain, unable to move, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope and I lay there watching the empty barrel begin its journey back down onto me. This explains the two broken legs.



I hope this answers your inquiry.



Kevin Roben

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April 25, 2008 9:02:09 PM from WinCustomize Forums WinCustomize Forums
AUSTRALIAN BRICKLAYER'S REPORT


Brilliant.... haven't had such a good belly laugh in ages.

Funny thing is, my grandfather was a bricklayer and somewhat accident prone at times... although not as bad off as Kevin Roben... but I can almost picture my grandfather doing having a similar kind of accident... though he'd sit there, see the funny side of it and roar with laughter
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April 25, 2008 9:13:17 PM from WinCustomize Forums WinCustomize Forums
Viagra Strikes Again...

An elderly woman goes to the doctor and asks his help to revive her Husband's sex drive. 'What about trying Viagra?' asks the doctor.

'Not a chance' says Mrs. Murphy. "He won't even take an aspirin for a headache."

'No problem,' replies the doctor. 'Drop it into his coffee, he won't even taste it. Try it and come back in a week to let me know how you got on.'

A week later Mrs. Murphy returns to the doctor and he inquires as to how things went. 'Oh it was terrible, just terrible doctor.'

'What happened?' asks the doctor.

'Well I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee. The effect was immediate. He jumped straight up, swept the cutlery off the table, at the same time ripping my clothes off and then proceeded to make passionate love to me on the tabletop. It was terrible.'

'What was terrible?' said the doctor, 'was the sex not good?'

"Oh no doctor, the sex was the best I've had in 25 years, but I'll never be able to show my face in McDonald's again.


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